I’m being attacked by several trails of thought.
1. I have gotten myself into trouble for failing to sleep. I did take my medication at a very low dose, but it clealry wasn’t enough to knock me down.
2. I relate a lot more closely towards women who wear a hijab and like to be private & conservative compared to women who live in sexy-girl “flashy” world, but i belong to neither worlds and live in the middle of both called “somewhere else that is almost never portrayed in mainstream media”.
2. I feel neither 100% Turkish or 100% Aussie even though i was born in OZ. Struggle with my cultural identity - i don’t have one. I don’t feel like i “belong” to either at all, more like rejected by both! It’s like a mix of both but it’s neither of both at the same time. My concept of “cultural” identity lives along the realms of people who have:
a) a sense of humour
b) can tolerate or enjoy the smell of their own farts, perhaps rate them on the basis of smell and volume, either way - a fart is likely to make them laugh out loud, even moreso if someone blows a truly stinky one that would require you to evacuate the building
c) people who are good with cooking, use raw ingredients and not the processed stuff, have a real knack to the “art of hosting”
d) people with a noticeable sense of international diplomacy, those who get pleasure from learning/understanding the customs of other cultures
This is the best i can come up with in terms of how i tend to identify on a cultural level. When people ask me where my name comes from, it’s incredibly awkward to announce it’s Turkish, because people naturally start to categorise me in terms of their experiences with Turkish people & culture. I guess the same may occur with my annoucement of being Australian born & bread, who knows how many may associate that with something like Crocodile Dundee and other “outback” references that are iconically Aussie. I personally really enjoy “Americans”, my experiences of Americana - that i’ve always been in love with that country and have always wished that i had grown up over there, equally aware that those who identify with being American will face some kind of negative regard as well. Either way, i guess this is still my own journey no different to others as they come to terms with learning more about who they are with the passage of time. I’m just aware that my life doesn’t have a specific cultural connection via country so it keeps me in an in-between kind of state.
3. I experience the same with my gender identity, don’t feel i belong to either “male” or “female”. I have qualities that make me very feminine in some ways, but also own many other qualities that would be deemed as masculine (or non-feminine) Kind of feel at most peace by kind of regarding myself as a kind of androgenous thing that lives in the middle of both worlds called “somewhere else which is never protrayed in mainstreem media, or any attempts to present a strong ass kicking chick will not be coming paired with breasts in a humble “B CUP” size for quite some time) Oh - maybe Sigourney Weaver in Alien (especially when she’s a mother and says “GET AWAY FROM HER YOU BITCH” and starts shooting with a BFG) could possibly pass for something which is close to me. *lol*
4. I need to formally process the story of my pregnancy and chilbirth experience that was complicated with Multiple Sclerosis. I endured monumentally bad treatment from some of the doctors at the hospitals. I hold a lot of unprocessed anger. While i have found a great deal of closure over the years on the event, a part of my heart is still stuck on a particular doctor who was truly one hell of an asshole. My usual method is to channel such things through humour, to mock and take the piss out of it, to find a way of laughing out loud. I performed a stand up comedy routine in an attempt to process the event, and it was fantastic. It just feels like i need to take the piss out of this one particular doctor, or i really need to find a way to say,
“HEY - the hospital service at KGV & RPAH emergency ward was a festering pool of shit so bad that you can smell the degree of entropy and rott the minute you walk into the joint”…
….anyways, surely i will find a way to process such things with a greater level of grace and eloquence. For the meanwhile, it really feels like i need to “stick it” to these people, make them accountable for the disgraceful mistakes and poor treatment. It’s the “nice and polite” people like me who refrain from causing a “racket” that are at the greatest risk in my opinion, because you won’t get the attention that you need unless you act like psychotic a lunatic.
Sorry…. a federal election is nearing and i think both the major parties have had their pros and cons. I can’t stand it when people engage in this stupid shitfights of,
PARTY A: “I have this idea, i think things could work well this way”
PARTY B: “NO! Your idea sucks, it’s wrong and bad and i’m just gonna say that it sucks and attack you for it because if i’m ever perceived to be agreeing with you on anything, this will make me be perceived as a looser”.
Ah yeah …. i guess i prefer the company of people who prefer to make the effort in working together to strategise on how things can be done better as a “team”. Well - i guess i achieve a lot doing things that way in my personal life anyway.
What else haven’t i covered yet?
Oh right, what does “femininity” actually mean? Right now, it feels like a judgement of socially perceived female attractiveness that can score you a boyfriend to plug up and fill an empty void in your life, which hardly places any emphasis on establishing, maintaining and commiting to a long-term relationship with someone else that is successful.
Today, i came to the realisation that a child was spawned out of my body. Like, geeze - only women can do that huh? How the hell can i not be female-enough? Hmm….
Oh right, another one.
5. I really loved kickboxing when i took it up a few years ago and i’m really really missing it alot right now.
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