aka R’acquel

Long gone are the days that i used to opt for le cordon bleu recipe for pancakes because we made the mistake of letting our son use the expensive SS scales as a toy. [eek] Either way, you will never catch me dead opting for pancake mix that comes in a bottle. No thanks ~ we prefer to do it the slow way and let Aidan use it as an opportunity to work on fine motor skills within the kitchen.

Each time we try this at home, Aidan always goes on about “Rex” - the footy dude who dropped in for a talk on nutrition to young kids at school, spelling how foods with sugar are bad for you. More than likely, i’m sure that pancakes must’ve been on that list and often wonder if my son will still be thinking of Rex during his adult years. For the meanwhile, it’s hardly a staple part of our diet and serves as a good exercise to give Aidan a great work out with fine-motor skills in the kitchen.

Basic Ingredients
0.75 cup self raising flour
1.25 cup plain flour
1 cup sugar
2 eggs
2 cup milk (more or less)

Cooking spray or butter to oil the pan

TIP: If you don’t have self-raising flour, you can add 1t of bicarbonate soda & 0.25t cream of tartar (optional) to 2 cups of plain flour instead, as this is what makes plain-flour = self-raising flour -> what’s responsible for making a pancake ‘fluffy’.

Method

Easy - dump the lot into a bowl, mix thouroughly with a whisk or fork to make a smooth batter.

Grease pan with spray, turn the heat up to moderate. A visual guage to know when the pan is hot-enough is when the cooking spray becomes invisible. An ideal pan for pancakes is a light weight crepe pan if you want to ‘flip’ pancakes in the air. We invested in a $40 one from The Essential Ingredient many years ago, where it’s non-stick quality was so amazing that you could flip pancakes without any oil and they used to fly off like a ‘hovercraft.’ A long lifespan of 5 years, now dead.

The pan featured in this picture is a more expensive $180 one which is nearly 8 years old now and still solid/flat as anything. A pity there’s no ‘branding’ on it, because this is the kind of pan that will last a lifetime. It originally had a similar hovercraft-like non-stick surface, which did slowly fade over the years but has now acquired the cooked-in ‘non-stick’ surface with time. Perfectly ok to scour this one with stainless steel & metal spatula without needing to worry about scratching the surface now. One of the best investments we ever made in kitchen tools. I remember gasping at my husband shrugging his shoulders over the price tag …and the sales assistant commenting on how we’re just going to LOVE this pan for many years. True ~ so very true …and it upsets me that other businesses in the industry of pots’n'pans fail to produce products that are designed to last a lifetime (or even a few generations) like this.

As you can see …i really love this pan! If you’re in Sydney - I strongly recommend a visit over to the folks at The Essential Ingredient and get their advice on a high quality to pan to invest - they know their kitchen tools well.

Tricky business when spooning the batter into the pan without making a mess.

Better for kids to opt for a much smaller spoon and practise making pikelets instead of big pancakes, much easier to flip when they’re small.

Not bad for the first round, doing a great job and concentrating very hard on the task. depending on how non-stick the pan is, lightly coat with spray or a small knob of butter before placing batter onto the pan.

For the sake of documenting current grip of the spatula in an OT sense, as there are similar issues like this with things like holding a pencil. Rather than correct Aidan on this journey - the plan is to just use this exercise a number of times to see how he is able to adopt more efficient ways of holding on his own.

I was wincing at my husband’s method of filleting chicken last night when he offered to help out, for which i remain grateful for the assistance but i could clearly see that individuals - have their own ways of attempting to tackle tasks with their hands. In the very end, i think it’s a matter of practise to learn what feels most comfortable for you. There’s more than one way to skin a cat and more than one way to hold a pen - especially if you’re ambidexterous or in general ~ “not-right-handed”.

The trick of knowing when a pancake is ready to turn, is to keep an eye out for the emergence of bubbles. This one is still too early to turn, and the bubbles have regretably been ‘popped’ via the scooping action of the spatula to show a good example.

This one ~ clearly flipped too soon, so it’s gong to be a messy one. Depending on how non-stick your pan is, another method is to shake the pan to see if the pancake can slide on it’s own.

A fairly good example of a pancake that is ready - retaining it’s full shape without the batter bleeding.

Temperature is very critical - an example of the pan being too-hot, and the first pancake, is usually going to pan out like this. The higher the sugar content in the mix, the lower the temperature should be.

Ideal setting over here is usually 4 - moderate-low. The reason we have to start high, is just the nuisance of an electric stove which takes too long to heat up compared to cooking via induction or gas elements.

An example which indicates the balance of “fluff factor” is too high and the flour is raising too fast, which makes it harder for the batter in the middle to cook. Usually better to soften the mix with more plain flour (& or milk so it doesn’t get too thick in consistency), or reduce heat an opt for a longer cooking time. In this instance, just flip it over again.

A successful pancake towards the end of it’s journey. Some mild moments of frustration for Aidan when he couldn’t flip some of them too well - a challenge to explain how it’s not the end-of-the-world and just something which gets easier with a lot more…

PRACTISE!

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A long time since I’ve been in blog world. Our whole family has experienced great relief since we made the decision to pull Aidan out of school and take up the direction of homeschooling as the alternative for our son’s education. The weeks leading up to this decision were acutely stressful for Mitch & myself, Aidan included. The school wasn’t able to manage things well. My maternal instincts were screaming out loud within the second week of school, but i’m glad that bulk of the nausea I endured throughout it all is greatly over for now.

We opted to schedule a break for much needed rest & relaxation over at the Werriberri Lodge in the Megalong Valley, which is about a 20 minute drive from our place. According to the documentation at the lodge, Werriberri was the name of the last Aboriginal chief of a tribe that was located in this area.

This place is known as our ‘home away from home’. We even had the same cabin as last time, No.4. The Smith’s have conglomerated at this place for weddings, funerals in the past. After this adventure - for ‘everything else’ as well, so I couldn’t help but have that Weddings/Funerals & Everything movie run through my head every now at then during out stay there.

As usual with any getaway, I always have to do a toilet review first for Newtown Mums (because this kind of information is very important to them).

This toilet, was impressively sealed for our protection. From what? Boogie Monsters? I still don’t know.

A very b-grade performance on the presentation of the toilet paper, which didn’t come with a neat triangle fold and it was also going ‘under’ instead of over. I wasn’t too disappointed by this at all, because it is budget accommodation after all – but it would have been very problematic if I faced something like this in an expensive 5 star hotel.

The most unusual presentation of the mini-shampoos I’ve ever come across to date, but the bottles were very nicely branded.

I’ve always loved the design of these cabins because it’s a very efficient use of space which can accommodate 6 people with one double bed in the master bedroom,

and 4 bunk beds in the other bedroom.

It gets very cold in this area at night, Mitch turns into an axeman by the shed to help gather the firewood.

Aidan gets busy riding his bike called “Huffy” in the name of exercise amidst oodles of fresh air to get the cheeks all red & rosy. Lots of great bike-riding tracks in this area. I can’t believe it’s been a whole decade since i rode my first-ever 2-wheeled bike off the edge of a small cliff in the more daring drik-bike tracks of this area.

I get distracted by the local flower.

Aidan starts multi-tasking with Huffy by helping to carry the firewood back to the cabin.

Most of our time indoors was spent playing with the open fireplace and telling stories.

Too busy relaxing to take any photos of the delicious home-cooked meals I enjoyed making away-from-home, but that is a left-over plate of chicken schnitzel on the coffee table! For breakfast, we enjoyed grilled bacon with eggs, char-grilled cherry tomatos & home-made pancakes.

Landscape shot from the base of the Megalong Valley – there’s obviously many wonderful look-outs from the cliff tops that looks down into this area. Very fortunate to have lovely weather during our stay.

Father & son go in search for the horses, which made me think of Mrs.Lifecruiser’s childhood!

Saying hello to the local donkey. It was wonderful to see Aidan so happy & peaceful, glowing from the inside.

He was glowing even more when he finally got to ride the horse who’s name was “Hound”.

Going “solo” – it was amazing to see him so happy. He had another turn riding the horse known as “Coin” the next day. We’re hoping to make horse riding lessons as regular feature in Aidan’s life – something for him to master in an area which his parents are completely clueless.

Ah yes, the final dishwashing detergent review. A classic 1-2 star, predictably – very heavily “diluted” with water, so you need to use even more in order to clean the dishes up!

Looking forward to doing this sometime next month to “get away” again. Will be sure to go on a bush walk to check out the waterfall/creek for the next round and i’ll get more snappy with the camera when it comes to the food!

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The weather is foggy & damp, but there are no thunderstorms in Leura. Without warning, the computers shut down – and it’s another blackout. The mother finds her body in a state of shock. Her insides are silently taking a while to digest the fact that she’s just lost a shitload lot of data that didn’t get saved, whilst her son displays a more overt version of being scared by screaming out loud. He runs up to her with his ears covered by his hands, crouching into her to seek protection like an animal cowering for shelter in a cave. He pleads with his mother to go into the bed so they can hide under the covers for safety…

Mum & an almost 7yo boy called Aidan, race to grab the flashlight from under the kitchen sink, and run into the bedroom. They are hiding underneath the doona covers. The following conversation evolves during the 19 minutes of their lives that are spent together without any power in the house…

Aidan: I’m scared we’re going to die!
Mum: Why do you think we’ll die darlin’?
Aidan: Because our fridge doesn’t work.
Mum: How is that going to kill us?
Aidan: Because our food won’t be refrigerated, they’ll rot away.
Mum: Do you understand that there are some foods that don’t need a fridge?
Aidan: Huh? (he cheers up) Toast?
Mum: Yeah. Toast doesn’t need a fridge.
Aidan: but… the toaster doesn’t work.
Mum: That’s right, but you still have bread. Sometimes you have sandwiches, don’t you?
Aidan: Aha!
Mum: You don’t need a toaster to make a sandwich …and there’s tinned tuna. That doesn’t need a fridge. There are still foods that don’t need a fridge…
Aidan: Tinned Tuna?! That needs a fridge!
Mum: No it doesn’t. I put it in the fridge because I like it cold.
Aidan: Why?
Mum: Tuna doesn’t have to stay in the fridge because it’s a preserved food. Food in tins can live on the shelf. Does that help? To know that we won’t starve?
Aidan: Hmm, mmm
Mum: Another way to get food is to go to the shop.
Aidan: but those shops, none of the shops registers will be working. They’re all destroyed. They’re all… what might have happened for that lack of power?
Mum: I don’t know, our electricity supplier always has constant blackouts, it’s a problem – isn’t it? It is a problem, I agree. We’re not going to die.
Aidan: I think we’ve been using too much electronics!
Mum: I think you’re right. We’re very dependant on electricity.
Aidan: It makes more greenhouse gases and an angry mob will come here any minute now.
Mum: Why?
Aidan: because….
Mum: An angry mob might come to our house?
Aidan: but they’ll breathe all the greenhouse gasses.
Mum: Huh?
Aidan: They’ll smell all the greenhouse gasses. The greenhouse gasses will make people sick and they’ll call the angry mob.
Mum: The angry mob? Who’s the angry mob?
Aidan: It’s a crowd of people with flame torches.
Mum: A crowd of people with flame torches huh?
Aidan: aw…. In Newtown, I wished I lived on level 3.
Mum: Why?
Aidan: Because it’s not so high.
Mum: But we’re living on the ground now.
Aidan: But an angry mob can go to our house on the ground.
Mum: Oh… well you don’t have to be scared of the angry mob because we won’t have an angry mob attacking our house. We’re not the one’s responsible for power supply, it’s Integral Energy that is. I think I’d be more worried if I was Integral Energy living on the ground floor don’t you think?
Aidan: What’s Integral Energy?
Mum: Integral Energy, that’s the business that supplies the power in the Blue Mountains. It’s their job to give us the power supply and they’re not doing a very good job.
Aidan: Well I’ll throw their butts in COURT!
Mum: or… you could write a letter, and tell them about the problem. We also live in the mountains, so there might be a reason for why this area is more prone to blackouts compared to the city. Perhaps it’s time we wrote them a letter and asked them why it’s happening, and what they’re doing about it to fix the problem.
Aidan: They can’t do anything about it.
Mum: Are you ok? You look very sad.

(tears are beginning to well in Aidan eyes, he’s doing “the wavering lip”)

Mum: My poor boy – are you ok darlin’? We’re not going to die. We’re not gonna die. We have food at home. We have blankets to keep us warm.

Aidan starts to cry…

Aidan: I’m not very sure, I think it’s very sad. All the power plants might be destroyed.
Mum: Destroyed? By what?
Aidan: Some evil Japanese, Japan. The Japanese. they must’ve been destroying the power plant to stop Australia defending the whales so they can kill Australia’s whales. When I join the army or the air-force, I’ll have to drive an aircraft bomber. When I’m over the Japanese ships, I’ll drop bombs on them and BOOM – that’ll kill some of the Japanese.
Mum: To stop them from killing whales?
Aidan: Yes!
Mum: So you’re not happy about that… You’re not happy that the Japanese are killing their whales?
Aidan: Yes, and here’s something more for you. They destroyed our power plants.
Mum: What makes you say that?
Aidan: To stop Australia guarding the whales.
Mum: But ships don’t run on electricity. They’ve got petrol and generators on the ship. If the Japanese destroy a power plant on land, it’s not going to affect the power on a ship. The Australian ships can still do their job. They’ve got separate power supply units on the ship.
Aidan: and after the war at Japanese, I’ll have to go over to the country of Japanese and send all the soldiers out and then drop bombs on Japan.
Mum: Why? Why do you want to go war with Japan?
Aidan: Because they’re bad, they’re bad people.
Mum: How are they bad people?
Aidan: They tried to kill Australian whales.
Mum: Do you realise there might be some Japanese people living in Japan that aren’t happy about the whales getting killed?
Aidan: No. All of them want the whales, because they want to eat them.
Mum: …but there are some Japanese people who are vegetarian. They don’t eat meat, so they wouldn’t want to eat whales.
Aidan: What’s a vegetarian?
Mum: A vegetarian is a person who only eats vegetable foods, they don’t eat any animals. There are Japanese who are vegetarians.
Aidan: Vegetarians die…
Mum: What makes you say that?
Aidan: Because they don’t any nutritious, more nutritious foods. No nutritious.
Mum: Vegetables are very nutritious…
Aidan: but they’re not very calciumful… They don’t have much calcium.
Mum: Vegetables have calcium in them.
Aidan: How much?
Mum: :O I don’t know… some vegetarians drink milk, that’s a good source of calcium. They don’t kill cows to get milk. So that’s why some vegetarians are ok with drinking milk and eating cheese.
Aidan: ..and milking cows?
Mum: Well, not many people milk cows these days.
Aidan: Why not?
Mum: Because it’s done by machines. You saw the You Tube video on how to milk a cow, do you remember?
Aidan: Yeah Well – the machines are, they break down!
Mum: What machines?
Aidan: Cow milking machines.
Mum: How do they break down?
Aidan: Maybe the suction device gets broken. It can’t work without electricity!
Mum: Are you feeling a bit better about the blackout now?
Aidan: No… (very sad) This electricity problem is going up. Awwww… no! You know, Japanese ships are stronger than our war ships. We’ll be defeated easily.
Mum: I don’t think the power supply problem here is caused by the Japanese.
Aidan: What is it caused by?
Mum: I’m not exactly sure, but I don’t think it’s got anything to do with people bombing the power plants. It’s another type of problem, it’s a local problem.
Aidan: Did someone cut the electricity wires?
Mum: Um.. I don’t know, but I do know that these problems usually occur when there is a storm.
Aidan: Oh no. A tornado will suck up our house and destroy it to bits. Then we’ll be killed…
Mum: Hmm… We don’t get tornados in this region. Not in this part of Australia. The tornados are called cyclones here, and those tend to occur in northern parts of Australia. Up in the top parts like of Australia like Darwin and northern Queensland.
Aidan: But tornados could go all the way to here.
Mum: Um… there might be the odd tornado or water-spout that happens in Sydney but they usually don’t come to the NSW area, not where we live.
Aidan: Which is Darwin region?
Mum: Right at the top of Australia.
Aidan: Which is DARWIN region?
Mum: Northern Territory.
Aidan: Is it “NT”?
Mum: Yep – that’s right. It’s NT
Aidan: What is – Olympic Park?
Mum: Olympic park? That’s in Sydney.
Aidan: What’s an Olympic Park?
Mum: It’s a big space with lots of sporting facilities. Venues to do sports like archery, cycling, swimming, gymnastics, boxing, weightlifting
Aidan: Errrrrrr I hate those trams.
Mum: Trams?
Aidan: I hate them running and going in the streets because they disturb the traffic!
Mum: They’re usually co-ordinated with the traffic Aidan.
Aidan: What does co-ordinate mean?
Mum: Work-together. I think some have to follow the traffic lights as well.
Aidan: Why do some trams have traffic lights?
Mum: So that they can work together with the cars on the streets. When one direction of cars needs to stop, the tram can stop or go.
Aidan: You know? Trams are very boring.
Mum: Why are trams boring?
Aidan: Because they’re such a slow, low train that goes on the road.
Mum: They’re faster than cars sometimes, because cars can get compacted in traffic jams whereas the trams are on a rail system…
Aidan: But it might accidentally crash into a car that’s passing!
Mum: A car might accidentally crash into one, maybe… are you feeling a bit better now?
Aidan: But when a car accidentally crashes…police will arrest… stop the tram running… Australia’s power supply is not very good. I think I’ll have to leave I’ll have to go to another country… I think I have to go to another country.
Mum: mmm
Aidan: We will have to go to another country!
Mum: Well… are you feeling a little bit better now? A little bit less scared?
Aidan: Ohh no, I’m getting more scared.
Mum: Why?
Aidan: Look – the sky is getting darker. When it gets darker, evil monsters come.
Mum: We can light candles… would that be fun?
Aidan: No thanks.. No thanks! nononono, I’m not good at handling flammables.
Mum: You don’t have to handle it, I can handle it. Listen, how about I check the fuse box, to make sure it’s not a problem with the fuse box? If we can get the electricity back on, then it’s probably not a blackout.
Aidan: No! Don’t do that to the fuse box, you might get killed! There’s spiders hanging around the fuse box! (concerned, because his mother was bitten by a female huntsman whilst opening the car door recently, it was hiding under the door handle)
Mum: I can use a broom to sweep them away.
Aidan: But they’ll run up the broom and bite you.
Mum: That’s alright – I’ll use karate!
Aidan: No! That don’t work! If you use karate, that will never work. Spiders will.. when you try to punch the spider, it will bite you. The spider will bite you if you do karate.
Mum: (laughs) I can bring some fly spray.
Aidan: But it’s poisonous!
Mum: Yeah. It’ll kill them, if there’s any there.
Aidan: But you’ll have to run away quickly.
Mum: I can do that.
Aidan: But you can’t run through the gate because it’ll take too much time closing it.
Mum: Well I need to check the fuse box anyway. I need to check the street to see if we actually have a blackout or if it’s a fusebox issue ok? So, I’ll check it out.
Aidan: Are you going to go far from my house?
Mum: No, I’m just going to check the houses. There’s no lights in that house out the bedroom window over here, so I’m just going to go to Daddy’s workroom to see if the lights are off in the other neighbours house. Because there’s no storm, there’s been no signs of thunder so it’s very unsual to have a blackout…

Mother and son exit the bedroom. The power returns.

Mum: It’s back. The electricity is back!

Windows plays it’s start-up music on the computer, startling both of them.

Aidan: I hate that windows start up music!
Mum: Me too! I don’t like it either!

The End

…of a very interesting 19minutes of life together with my son, and no power.

Like, I think we’ve clocked more hours without power in Leura compared to “Earth Hour” this year.

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Happy Easter, from Aidan…

Aidan & I were watching this Dr.Who song that appeared on ABC’s ‘The Chaser’ via You Tube a few times before the Dalegg evolved… my whole family was mesmerised by this song when it first appeared on the TV. My son was very excited to see it again. Lots of giggles…

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Queen sums it all up in a nutshell for today.

Time for me to decompress at the gym.

Pray tomorrow, gets me higher.

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This picture that Mitch took of me last week is starting to cause a funny stir over here amongst my friends. The only thing missing is a BFG and a don’t-mess-with-this-mother facial expression, but i won’t go into the details of the reasons behind the evolution of this picture.

This is more like it…. so i’ll definitely have do a skirmish at least once in this lifetime in order to score my trophy photo. I’m sure i’ll get there, one day - in the not too distant future. The world as it is, has made me need to become this way as a mother.

…or yes, even this one with the child hoisted on the hip and an even bigger BFG!

Strangely enough, my life seems to be mirrored to the fictional characters of these Super-BFG-Moms battling with Doomsday-isms atm. The battle, acceptance and integration of Autism continues. There has been great progress in our lives, however draining - I can’t exactly quit at this job.

Received an invitation to attend a meeting over at Springwood to get involved in working on developing support groups for families affected by ASD in the Blue Mountains. I look forward to following this up and seeing where we can take it. I can already intuit that it’s got the potential to go somewhere really amazing.

When we say things like,

“XYZ is so bad, that i wouldn’t want to wish it on my worst enemy.”

I feel very differently about Autism.

My family was heavily exposed to many hardcore toxins during my pregnancy. Chronic maxed out exposure to very high levels of VOCs. MDF, carpet, paint, solvents - it was a fresh NEW building - and they were still completing construction on the appartment even after we moved in too, heaps of building & construction dust everywhere. This appartment was also next door to the street where we lived in for years before it, which had one of the highest levels of lead in Sydney.

Although my own pieces to the puzzle is not completed yet, i have enough pieces to see the emerging picture and intuit it already. I experienced my first attack of MS during week 17 of my pregnancy and that my son’s autism was present at birth (if not in utero)? A clear cut case of living with a heavy toxic load at the time. How can this unknown environmental trigger be such a bloody mystery anymore?!

Whilst people continue to argue over thimerosal in the freaking vaccines ad-infinitum, I find it mortifying that businesses are allowed to sell & produce hazardous products (& by-products) that are already known & proven to not only harm the healthy development of a baby within the womb but also seriously affect the health of older people too.

Like, my apartment did not come with a sign on the door that said,

“Living in this place, is going to seriously harm both you and the baby.”

With the hindsight I now own in my life, i would’ve chosen differently - but i can’t turn the clock backwards.

1:150 will have autism…
1:140 will have autism…

and today, i see

1:94 boys will have autism…

Do i care about the numbers or where they come from? No - not much. We’ll just see the trend continue and then we’ll be left with a very high population of parents starting to go through it. More, and more and more - and the schools are already facing it. Allergies on the rise. Auto-immune diseases on the rise. ADDHDPDD(yadda yadda) - just add any other illness, other mental & physical developmental problems into the picture where many parents are going to be loaded with the stigma of “bad parenting”. Supply & Demand will undoubtedly kick in, to enforce changes to the way people do things - it’s already happening in our lives. Our situation is commanding change - fail to change or adapt, then all hell will break loose and for each moment where constructive change can kick in which makes a difference, it opens pandora’s box that yields itself into turning this world into a better place than it was before.

Isn’t that the beauty of humans? That we have an amazing capacity to adapt? Which then makes me reflect on a cockroach’s ability to SURVIVE…

Sometimes - it does feel like i am in the middle of an X-Men movie where this world has just reached the stage of humans starting to give birth to it’s early Mutants. A mixed blessing, as who knows what the bioaccumulation of chemicals could possibly bring to the world in the future. Some big problems ahead perhaps, but the coin will always have it’s otherside and the ying will have it’s yang.

My own Doomsday occured on the day that i gave birth to my son, where the landscape in my mind was no different to Sarah O’Connor. For now - i can continue to be grateful for the amazing things that have resulted in our lives because of just how hard it’s forced us to change & adapt.

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Hmm… Aidan’s start with the new school year has been unsettled. Year 1 is definitely not as much fun compared to Kindy. A lot more structured, more work at the “table” - and it’s making life very difficult for him.

He had a virus 2 weeks ago, which caused a rise in his temperature but it didn’t result in any overt cold’n'flu symptoms. Enough to keep him at home for a day, but the day after that - Mitch & I kicked into the,

“You must soldier on kiddo - mum & dad don’t take time off work.”

…in the sense that our own parents did no differently with my husband & me when we ued to holler out,

“Mum/Dad - i’m not feeling well, i don’t want to go to school today.”

It was during this time that some of Aidan’s angst towards school started to come out and it hasn’t been easy for me to drop him off at school for the last 2 weeks. I’ve had this sinking feeling. I’ve been trusting my intuition very deeply of late. It’s been so accurate and spot-on, which makes me trust my gut-feelings even more. This is no mystical-psychic ability I’ve got here, i’m regarding it like a very sophisticated computer in my body that’s making super-fast calculations which I know are based on very logical-like explanations behind it all. I guess it would take me a bloody novel to explain it all - no need for me to justify, i just “know” and i’m trusting my gut religiously.

February 11th - that’s when the uber-intuitive sensations struck me really hard. There - it’s been 16 days since i’ve been sensing something “askew” even though i’ve been picking up on this for a while longer. I found it really hard to “let go” of my son that day. I was overwhelmed by this sensation that i had just made a terrible mistake by leaving my kid at school that day. I wasn’t able to shake that feeling off for a few hours - it was really disturbing for me. It was making me feel so uneasy that i was almost contemplating on calling the school,

“If Aidan has trouble at school today, can you please give us a call? I’ve got this sensation that i think he could have a very unsettled day today.”

…and my body, still screaming at me,

“Something’s not right! Something’s not right!!!” my body - wishing i had never left him there. My body - feeling so unsettled,

“Go to the school, take him out of it now - you need to be there, he needs you, you’ve just left him to the wolves!”

/// ~ how to explain that rationally?

…and of course i hesitated on making that phone call - didn’t exactly want to make a fool out of myself on the basis of having a “HUNCH”, hey - even consulted with my husband to see if i was being “over the top” with “just imagining things” (ok, maybe over the top to call the school, but we will need to check in with them)…but oh my - those feelings, and the way that the day had panned out…(and in hindsight, i regret “denying” and invalidating my feelings/intuition in the way that i did).

Major class disruptions due to enrolment numbers. My son’s aid didn’t arrive at school that day -off at an interview for another job, she’s moving on and will eventually be replaced by someone else.

Aidan’s mood/morale/attitude towards school - not good. Seriously - not good in our opinion, cause for concern and I’ve started doing the rounds of contacting other people. Checked in with the school, the hospital, family support services, scheduling Aidan to try a drama class next week - taking the steps required to get some help to intervene with this.

I was hoping that a change of scenery could’ve helped lift Aidan’s spirits up, so i took him to my parent’s place over the weekend whilst Mitch was away on business over the weekend. We spent about 6 hours swimming at the pool. He’s progressing rather well with it - learnt how to do forward/backward sommersaults underwater. My mother could see the shift in his mood, she can sense how the school environment is not helping. We’re not imagining it - even my son’s aid can see it. If i face anyone who fails to see it - i’m not going to think very highly of them.

~

My husband checked in with his new teacher recently. I’m not sure of how that conversation panned out as i had to wrangle the kid away to the car. We’re not comfortable about Aidan being present when adults are “talking about him”. It affects him, so this has made our bodies sensitive to it, as we’re the ones who has to live with his interpretations & internalisations of what the adutls are talking about.

I caught myself off-guard tonight when Aidan’s aid called me tonight. I was asking her if she’s seen his library bag, because he didn’t bring it home. Aidan was right next to me on the phone - he heard every single word, every single one of my “concerns” raised over the phone. I later faced this terrible story of this nightmare he imagined of being charged by the librarian loaded with so much persecutory attack towards himself.

The red flag for us was a few days ago,

“Why don’t they all (school) just get a gun and shoot me/put me into jail.”

~

As for the uber-validation of my kid?

*sighs*

I experienced it on Monday. It was the way my son woke up in the morning, that made me stop and take the time to really listen to him.

“Mum - i really don’t want to go to school today. I’m not feeling well. I need to take a day off to heal.”

No signs of cold’n'flu, his mood/morale was down, he was tired - but it was the way he said “heal” that made me listen more. My “you must soldier on” way of life lost it’s power. As soon as i heard my son telling me that he needed time to heal, i backed off.

“Ok honey - let’s take it easy today and take the time to heal…”

It was followed by,

“I love you mum…” but when he said that - it sounded like,

“Thanks mum - thanks for listening to me…”

So - we took things really easy on Monday.

“Are you starting to feel a bit better?”
“Yes mum! I’m getting better!”

Got a call from the aid, saying she won’t be in on Tuesday.

Fine - we’ll take Tuesday to heal as well.

Another call tonight - aid not coming in on Wednesday - working at the other school.

Fine - i’m not taking my kid into school tomorrow either. Not taking him in, until my gut-feeling starts to shift and unless my son’s regular aid will be there.

~

“Ayca - he’s so lost now….”

No - that’s not my kid. It’s another one a year ahead. Less funding, assistance from the aid slowly being withdrawn. We’re not feeling confident that the school has enough experience with this. I’m trusting my gut-feelings.

~

I’m not overtly stressed. I’m not feeling helpless. I’m feeling very capable & resourceful. I’m feeling very skilled & confident in knowing how to deal with this remarkably well. My intuition - is serving me well. I can almost see the answers right in front of me - within me. I can feel the answers inside me. I’m taking action every day.

~

The state of my house is reflecting my mood. I can see great clarity & strength emerging.

~

The beauty of conflict, is it’s capacity to inspire change & amazing things that follow as the result of that change. Without it, i think we’d all still be living in mudbrick shithouses and complaining because no one came up with the idea of designing a sewage system to effectively deal with the stinking shit on the streets.

Like, in the olden days - people used to wear 20-30cm wooden platform shoes to stop all the piss & shit on the streets from staining their clothes… and i’m sure we can be thankful to the guy who invented toilet paper a few centuries ago as well.

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