I was reflecting on how my Femininity-isms post was written during a very agitated state of mind. Events have occured in my life where i have been “shocked awake”. It’s positive, but the resulting consequence is that it also leaves me feeling vulnerable. On the otherhand, i am also now an adult whom has gained incredible strength and skills through surviving extreme hardship. I have the power to integrate this experience well.
I was a little self concious that what happened with the Femininity-isms post was that it was capturing numerous emotionally loaded topics but i was at peace with my “scattered & disorganised thoughts”. It captured something grand but was really - a process of free-style writing in the fashion of “note taking”. Very much like a firework - where one rocket fires up into the air, then it branches out firing other explosions like a tree. That post was like the firing of the first rocket.
I was in the car yesterday, dropped my son off at school - so on my way home, i cranked up the volume on the stereo to play the Rob Zombie album really really loud.
Words which come up into my mind that i would associate with this sort of behaviour can be,
Hooligan
Gangster
A male in his late teens that’s loaded with a lot of testosterone
“Doof” or “doosh doosh” car
…but an industrial, heavy metal version loaded with a lot of sharp black.
A head-banging warmonger, the strong resonance and connection my spirit feels with a female amazon viking. Not far off from a hybrid of Xena the Princess Warrior & Buffy the Vampire Slayer - loaded with a lot more testosterone. My mind uses the symbol of owning a “B-CUP” breast size to represent this loaded level of testosterone. If the fictional character known as Lara Croft had a much smaller breast size - that would definitely be me. It’s a lot like Angelina Joile, but minus the open-sex-appeal factor.
A fighter - BUT DON’T YOU DARE LOOK AT MY BODY LIKE THIS!
The character “Trinity” in The Matrix, was fairly close in resonating with how i would put this. My hair used to be short like that too.
I am “high-T”. I have always been alpha in the core.
As for how i first got in touch with Rob Zombie, it was through the film known as “Matrix”. There was a scene at an S&M style of nightclub and i think it was the song Dragula that deatured as the backing sountrack. I was so moved by this film and this particular song that i went to great efforts in order to scan the credits in order to source the name of the artist behind the energy of this song, so Rob Zombie it was.
As for Matrix - this film strongly resonated with how i was at the time. It reflected my taste in fashion, this is how i used to dress in “corporate attire” and work as a designer. My work has the same style of execution as it appears in the film and martial arts sequences. As for the S&M connotations present within the film, the leather, PVC, spikes, “black” or “goth” - present within me, but clearly - not so overtly “public”. For numerous years, a good two decades at least, my body has always strongly yearned to take up martial arts as well. As for how a sport known as kickboxing deeply impacted my life, that clearly deserves another post.
Got the album. Rob Zombie’s song known as Suberbeast is another one that carries the same kind of loaded & strong powerful energy. It’s both Dragula & Suberbeast that i enjoy listening to at a very loud Doosh-Doosh volume in the car.
It was the song “Living Dead Girl” which followed these two tracks yesterday where i experienced the sound of a significant penny dropping….
Oh - how the penny dropped. I’ve never really enjoyed this song in the car. After the first two tracks containing this explosive energy, this song always generates a “drain” because it doesn’t match the grunting energy.
What was it that triggered this “click”, this “light bulb moment” as this song played? I’m still grappling with what it initially was.
Ah - it was the part of me that has been “shocked awake” - she’s been dead for a good long 15 years at the very least. Now that she’s woken up again, after all these years - it’s like she hollered out to me,
“You hear that Ayca?! Living Dead Girl! That’s it! That’s what’s happening! You hear him? You hear that sound which is saying,
‘WAKE UP woman, WAKE UP FROM THE DEAD!’ ”
My mind, at one with the realisation of how the experience of this world made a girl like that live dead.
I saw this quality of living dead moderately reflected in Marilyn Manson’s Tainted Love. The “smart girl” (with brown hair, brown eyes) - who wears glasses, transforming into the goth-power figurine with “spikes” - arch-nemesis of the Blonde “Queen Bee” Cheerleader. When i bring up this “Blonde” - i am referring to the predatory sort that comes paired with “talons” who always appears in many American Teen Dramas as the popular top-dog bitch who treats people like SHIT.
Thing is - my experience of school was nothing like how i’ve seen it Americana style. The social dynamics were a little different. My intellect & academic bone never had the chance for me to classify as a “nerd”. Being smart, duxing subjects, duxing the forms - was a status of power. Although we wore strict uniforms, I had a knack for “fashion” that shielded me a great deal from “dork” or “dag” usually attached to nerd-ism. I found my own way of commanding respect via “being smart” which is similar to the way Bill Gates has done it. No one has the power to label me as a nerd in a derogatory fashion, and even if they did, i would regard it as a supreme compliment.
My brother on the otherhand, didn’t manage to pass through this like i did. His school culture, didn’t respect the “Über-braniac” factor, it was put-down. I have encountered so many “nerd” people, those who carry this heavy weight of shame or inferiority for being smart. My intereactions with them has often been on a level of,
“What?!! Are you crazy?! I think it’s fantastic that you are like this! I think it’s super cool! It truly is! Gosh - please start feeling better about how you are, it’s so attractive!!”
I have seen their hearts release throughout my time. They required a “popular alpha captain” to grant them permission before they could rejoice?! Hell, my braniac spirit is so much like Weird Al Yankovic in “White and Nerdy” as it’s seen in this clip.
This song makes me laugh so much. The math, the references to website design, the acronyms, the “rambling brain-spacks” in this song. I am so much like this - this is exactly how my brain works inside. The way i dress and present myself on the otherhand - ah ok, let’s return back The Matrix again, clearly absent with it’s quality of “nerd” which Weird Al Yankovic owns in this clip. The thing is, i love people who may be Weird-Al-ish. Stimulating, refreshing, funny, so wonderful.
What? I risk lowering my status by making friends with people like that? Perhaps in an American Teen Drama BUT NOT IN MY LIFE! Nyup. It doesn’t work - no one has the power to bring me down like that. Perhaps some people tried, but it was the equivalent of water running off a ducks back. Try slamming the axe at me to knock me down like that and it’s going to bounce so hard it might slap you in the face like striking an ironbark tree.
Perhaps i was fortunate, or lucky - to have a school experience where it was greatly sheltered from Blonde Cheerleaders with Talons. The only times when i encountered girls like that, was during inter-school activities debating, mock-trials and public speaking. I saw more of them at the private schools that were more expensive & exclusive. I could definitely feel some of them trying to peck me down but i could also see that my life had the chance to grow up with my own style of confidence & strength in this arena of psychological girl-war too.
That Frolicksome Kid… He’s so much like how i have been. I don’t know where he stands within the spectrum of Weird-Al(nerdism) vs Matrix(geekism), all i know is that he’s incredibly similar to me in personality. I think he’s Über-COOL. Supremely COOL. As for his school “culture” - bahhhhhh. Hope this kid gets to meet other people just like him in real-life. I know when you’re like that, the school-environment alone is really not enough for you to meet others like that.
While i’ve had a distinctive streak of confidence and personal strength on many levels, this did not stop the fact that there was something terribly wrong with me too. How does a “straight A” student who’s up there in the popularity ranks (loved by many) find herself so lonely and at the point of commiting suicide?
So many people around me,
“Oh, you have so much going for you! You have everything i wished that i had!”
Nyah!
Clinical Depression, later diagnosed as Bi-Polar Disorder. Finally found the psychiatrist that helped me find the cure for it. I am cured, but that journey took an entire decade of busting my guts to claw myself out of the abyss and find myself currently standing at the top of the mountain again. I have gone through the tunnel of darkness where i could see no light, many moments of seeing lights and it was a frieght train coming towards me, but i have clawed my way out of it completely, I have found the light.
For those whom have fallen into darkness, yes - you can get out of it. Like, truly - GET OUT, truly shrug that shit off for good and take the reigns of riding the “upside” of being like this.
As for the part of me that has currently been shocked awake….
Living Dead Girl.
That part of me which has been dead for 15 years, then that other part of me which has been dead for 26 years.
That “girl” - that “girl” who embodies “femininity”, the girl who wasn’t so scared of wearing a colour like “PINK” once upon a time - she did used to exist, once upon a time.
For now - all i can think of is A & the stories of Papillon. Whatever it was that killed this “girl” i once used to be, shares close ranks to the equivalent of how a girl’s life gets impacted by something like Female Genital Mutilation. I have undoubtedly, experienced something very similar.
In the meanwhile, Living Dead Girl has risen from the dead.
Read the rest of this entry »
