Big theme in my life. Experimental 3D / Documentary. We interviewed a broad cross section of the community in response to the cover of a men’s magazine that was displayed in the streets of Sydney, Aug 1999.
To this day, i still don’t understand why they have women on the covers of women’s magazines. Perhaps we’re all lesbians.
Although many C64 games were fairly “unisex” for me - I still faced many which featured males as the primary protagonist all the time. Come to think of it - Hollywood films are comparitively, not too different!
This wasn’t too much of a big deal for me, but i did experience something magical as a young girl when my life finally encountered a game known as Yie Ar Kung Fu, especially when the female opponents, Fan & Star appeared - dressed in RED! (no! never in pink, it must always be a pomegranite red, for me!)
Like - wow, finally - a female fighter! About bloody time. Fan was my favourite. I loved her dress, that she appeared to be brunette and i also liked the fans that she chucked. You can see these ladies in fighting action here:
This gameplay makes me laugh so much as i used very similar moves to win. Primitive compared to the complex martial arts moves you can muster on a PS2 with a game like Tekken in this era.
When Fan entered into my life, i felt so much peace and hapiness being the way that i am, or perhaps it was a reflection of where it was that i needed to go…
I have many moments throughout life regretting that i had not taken a career path in the armed forces. Not sure how much of this is influenced because my father was in the Navy, although i know it has played a significant part. I loved the shoot-em-ups so much on the C64 but i also loved holding a gun in my hands too. Never a real one though, the farthest i ever got was something like a bibi-gun - always at the amusement parks. Feel strong bonding with my father when he taught me how to aim, and my aim has always been pretty good 
I miss some of my old male buddies that i met through inter-school debating eons ago, they were rather into the whole “skirmish” thing and my heart still yearns to engage in at least one paintball skirmish in this lifetime.
Games like Duke Nukem, Doom & Descent have been some of my favourites, but there’s great sentimental nostalgia with earlier games like Commando, Platoon & Green Beret. Commando in particular - i loved the music in that game and have enjoyed learning to play it on the violin alongside the C64 emulator on my PC.
Rock version of the Commando song performed by PRESS PLAY ON TAPE.
Music was composed by Rob Hubbard - both my brother & me have always been enchanted by his music, enjoyed playing some of the songs together on the piano.
As for my favourite film - it is Commando with Arnold Schwartzneggar. I have always been a big Arnie fan. Each time i watch this film, i attempt to do a “body count”. It was a ritual tradition that a male friend used to do and i now share this game with Mitch. We always loose count when the buildings start to explode…
I don’t condone violence in real life, but i do enjoy shoot-em-ups, a lot.
Hmm… have been a little pre-occupied with body-hair lately, how it was that i got hard-wired into believing it was something bad or an unfeminine way to be. It was really interesting to catch some youtube videos of hairy women - those who had even more than me, let alone those who had as much as me.
I personally found it really refreshing, somewhat normalising too - seeing hair on other women, really didn’t make them appear to me as being any less of a woman after all. It was really good to see other women not owning any shame over it. Surprising to realise that some guys actually do enjoy hairy women too. It’s not exactly the status quo with the surrounding pop-culture i grew up with, but still intriguing nevertheless.
Hmm… perhaps all this pre-occupation with body hair is an indirect attempt to prepare my body for the onslaught of PAIN with hair removal atm. *lol*
My life eventually took up ladies kickboxing one day. Then i took it up again later with Holly Fernerly (Aussie female fighter, 3x world champion during the time that i knew her). I miss those classes so much now, my body is craving it a lot as i continue with my ritual walking for exercise.
Shortly after that period of taking up kickboxing, my brother gave me the movie known as “Beautiful Boxer”. The timing was incredibly ironic.
I had always wanted to take up martial arts - but something remarkable occured when i took up kickboxing - my heart fell in love with the “BOXING” side. Empowering to be in a room with other women so much stronger than me. Empowering to see women’s bodies in all shorts of shapes and sizes which sit outside of barbie-girl supermodel too. Big women, tall women, women with large frames - but OH MY, how powerful and STRONG.
Empowering - to enter into a sport where “SIZE” COUNTS! The bigger you are, the more advantageous it is towards you winning a fight. For once - size, being born a “big woman” - is something rather incredible and highly advantageous to own, something that could be envied in a sport like this.
I was paired with a large Samoan woman once. I have always admired the Samoan female figure. She was much taller than me, much wider than me - but also a “newbie”. An unfair pairing and oh my, i sure felt the power in her blows. All i had on my side was that i had more speed compared to my sparring partner. What a marvelous experience to be able to appreciate other women’s bodies like this. I find strength like that incredibly attractive in a woman.
I was also aware that these “ladies only” classes had a female energy i’ve been very familiar with as well. Of “lesbian” flair, but not necessarily “lesbian”. The spirit of these women reflected a lot of my lesbian friends. I preferred the company of strong, “tough” women who do not live in barbie-world.
When my brother gave me the “Beautiful Boxer” film to watch, the manner in which is acted like a “mirror” to my life was deeply moving.
My struggle and fight with gender-identity on the inside, this hatred and discomfort being born in the body of a “woman” has been so much like how Nong Toom yearned to leap out and completely embrace who s/he wanted to “be”, completely embracing the feminine but needing to fully embrace the masculine before s/he could get “there”.
To see him embrace what my heart has experienced so much pain over. When i see men tapping into the feminine within like that, it gives me more courage to accept the female body i was born with. I won’t be able to embrace my female side of a character like Toom that i “own”, untill i can own same calibre of strength that resides within the masculine that he attained in his/her life. For him/her to excel in a sport like kickboxing, the heart and pride of this nation - oh my,
“What a MAN!”
What a man to be able to deliver blows like that. It’s when i see him smile in the film, feel his insides shine like sunlight as he performs a graceful feminine ritual of “putting powder on his face” in the boxing ring. I don’t know how to describe it - but that’s precisely what i need to do with my own life. I need to embrace both.
I have always had strong resonance with gay, cross-dressing and transgender brothers. When i see men proud to embrace that feminine quality within, it helps me embrace the female within.
On further reflection recently, i have come to the realisation that if i can openly embrace the masculine within myself - this could very well have a similar effect on other men.
What strikes me at the moment, is the incident over the “Lip Balm” That Froliksome Kid went through. Easy for me to say,
“There is no shame in men needing to use lip balm to protect chapped/dry/cracking lips!”
I was aware that for me to say this, could not remove the shame and embarassment he must own unless he can remove the shame & embarassment that lives within himself first. The most i could do is “validate” - send “it’s perfectly OK, this does not make you any lesser-of-a-young-man” energy towards him.
I reflected on the masculine-within myself, the one which generates “shame” to me on a similar level to lip balm.
When That Froliksome Kid writes:
“It’s bad enough that I have dry lips and have to rely on using a lip balm.”
My equivalent would be:
“It’s bad enough that i have a ‘moustache’(as a WOMAN) and have to rely on using a razor on some occasions, because waxing will cause inflamation and place me at risk of developing in-grown hairs.”
I almost have as many chest-hairs on my husband - he’s got 6 hairs and i’ve got 3! He’s also a “blonde” - so his “body-fluff” is less obvious compared to me!
Shame for being “hairy”. With white/olive skin, it makes that “moustache” and other body-hairs a lot more noticeable with dark-brown hair!
I can see Princess Fiona in Shrek 2 - standing beside her husband in the bathroom and “shaving” her face. I like how that scene makes me laugh and embrace the “female ogre” within me (hey, perhaps even a Norwegien Troll!). What else can i say - my husband and i have enjoyed such moments like Shrek & “Princess” Fiona together as a couple where we have shared the same razor blade. As a couple, our relationship is very much like these two comedic ogres. We can share a bath together and find great amusement from making bubbles with our farts.
I don’t use women’s razors to shave anymore. I use men’s razors - because they are up to the task, they’re blades have always been supremely superior in comparison. Every time i used a woman’s razor - it failed to deliver every single time. That’s why i quit using them. They SUCKED and let me down so much that i QUIT for life.
As for my “moustache” - it’s not as bad as Frieda Kahlo and i don’t have a “monobrow”, but my body has been hairy enough to own “shame” due to the pathetic cultural standards which value “hairlessness”. My brother has endured the same kind of pain, antagonism for being so “hairy”.
The situation paints a different kind of picture when my brother revisited Thailand a few years ago. A large population of “hairless men” looking for the next latest potions and lotions to make themselves MORE hairy, like - to actually grow a beard of some kind - because hairyness was deemed so “masculine” and “man-ly”!
Yesterday, my mind had entertained the scenario of another man who’s hairy like my brother, being antagonised by a manly-man who is hairless. I found myself standing up to defend the hairy man.
“Don’t worry Michael, i think Mark is just jealous or intimidated by you because i’ve probably got more chest-hairs than he does.”
Like, a woman with more chest hairs than a man - and i can say that with personal strength now as surely - a woman with a fair amount of body hair must be the “high-testosterone” sort who would be quite a challenge to beat in competition.
I can take better acceptance of how my body-hair is these days. If it grows so long, strong and fast “downstairs” - the same is happening “upstairs” on the top of my head. Long, strong, thick hair that can withstand lots of punishment and still look healthy. Long hair that can take 3-4 years to grow uber-long, when it can take up to 10 years for other women to achieve length like that. I’m glad that i’ve finally been able to find my peace with it how my hairy-ness induced so much “shame” for being hairy - like a man.
The next time i get a derogatory comment from a man about my “moustache” - it’s just not going to wash. I can now laugh and smile,
“What?! Feeling intimidated or jealous that i could possibly have more chest-hairs than you?!” - with confidence, as having 3 chest-hairs hardly makes me look any less-attractive to my husband!
With that, i feel grateful and lucky that my husband likes me as I am, hairy or baldy - it doesn’t matter, he finds me attractive regardless and i’ve got to admit - that has been rather instrumental in my journey towards healing & self-acceptance.
When i think about it further - the people whom have attempted to bring me down for “owning” a moustache - i’m now beginning to wonder if my presence made them feel uncomfortable and scared. Perhaps men saw a woman who owned so many male-like interests as they did, found it refreshing or surprising/unusual that a woman could have similar interests. If they found that made me come across as attractive to them, i can now see how it could have the capacity to make them nervous. If men could find a woman like me attractive, aren’t they inadvertently also admiring “male” qualities? I can see potential there for paranoia - paranoia that admiring male-qualities like that could make them perceived as a potential closet-gay? Scared that they will get heckled for admiring “male-quality” because a woman has just made that look attractive? Maybe this just got them nervous, so perhaps this is why they felt the need to “knock” me down.
“I’m feeling scared about the maleness within you because i also find that how-you-are(as a person) is also attractive, so this is why i need to send energy at you which makes you feel bad about owning this maleness inside the body of a woman, because i need to see you find shame and see you disown that masculinity which you own in order to make me feel more comfortable with myself.”
If i were to be categorised on a “lesbian” schema - i would fall right in between “lipstick” & “butch”. If i were more “butch” - i get the feeling that i no man would ever try to bring me down with a moustache like that but i clearly own a degree of “lipstick”ism, don’t wax or shave that much, but sometimes i feel like it. Don’t enjoy wearing makeup that much at all, but sometimes - i feel like it.
This post is again in the stasis where my thoughts have not found good consluion, but i’m okay with that because i can always follow things up another time.
What i can say for now - is if anyone has ever felt “different” or “not like anyone else” - especially when it’s regarding that inner-conflict experienced with gender-identity - I highly recommend that you source “Beautiful Boxer” and watch it. The story it conveys was incredibly powerful for me, and i hope the sensations of peace, healing and inspiration that i experienced with my own gender-identity when watching this film has a similar positive & inspiring effect on others.
In the meanwhile, enjoying the WO-MAN that i’m becoming as a FE-MALE.
I was reflecting on how my Femininity-isms post was written during a very agitated state of mind. Events have occured in my life where i have been “shocked awake”. It’s positive, but the resulting consequence is that it also leaves me feeling vulnerable. On the otherhand, i am also now an adult whom has gained incredible strength and skills through surviving extreme hardship. I have the power to integrate this experience well.
I was a little self concious that what happened with the Femininity-isms post was that it was capturing numerous emotionally loaded topics but i was at peace with my “scattered & disorganised thoughts”. It captured something grand but was really - a process of free-style writing in the fashion of “note taking”. Very much like a firework - where one rocket fires up into the air, then it branches out firing other explosions like a tree. That post was like the firing of the first rocket.
I was in the car yesterday, dropped my son off at school - so on my way home, i cranked up the volume on the stereo to play the Rob Zombie album really really loud.
Words which come up into my mind that i would associate with this sort of behaviour can be,
Hooligan
Gangster
A male in his late teens that’s loaded with a lot of testosterone
“Doof” or “doosh doosh” car
…but an industrial, heavy metal version loaded with a lot of sharp black.
A head-banging warmonger, the strong resonance and connection my spirit feels with a female amazon viking. Not far off from a hybrid of Xena the Princess Warrior & Buffy the Vampire Slayer - loaded with a lot more testosterone. My mind uses the symbol of owning a “B-CUP” breast size to represent this loaded level of testosterone. If the fictional character known as Lara Croft had a much smaller breast size - that would definitely be me. It’s a lot like Angelina Joile, but minus the open-sex-appeal factor.
A fighter - BUT DON’T YOU DARE LOOK AT MY BODY LIKE THIS!
The character “Trinity” in The Matrix, was fairly close in resonating with how i would put this. My hair used to be short like that too.
I am “high-T”. I have always been alpha in the core.
As for how i first got in touch with Rob Zombie, it was through the film known as “Matrix”. There was a scene at an S&M style of nightclub and i think it was the song Dragula that deatured as the backing sountrack. I was so moved by this film and this particular song that i went to great efforts in order to scan the credits in order to source the name of the artist behind the energy of this song, so Rob Zombie it was.
As for Matrix - this film strongly resonated with how i was at the time. It reflected my taste in fashion, this is how i used to dress in “corporate attire” and work as a designer. My work has the same style of execution as it appears in the film and martial arts sequences. As for the S&M connotations present within the film, the leather, PVC, spikes, “black” or “goth” - present within me, but clearly - not so overtly “public”. For numerous years, a good two decades at least, my body has always strongly yearned to take up martial arts as well. As for how a sport known as kickboxing deeply impacted my life, that clearly deserves another post.
Got the album. Rob Zombie’s song known as Suberbeast is another one that carries the same kind of loaded & strong powerful energy. It’s both Dragula & Suberbeast that i enjoy listening to at a very loud Doosh-Doosh volume in the car.
It was the song “Living Dead Girl” which followed these two tracks yesterday where i experienced the sound of a significant penny dropping….
Oh - how the penny dropped. I’ve never really enjoyed this song in the car. After the first two tracks containing this explosive energy, this song always generates a “drain” because it doesn’t match the grunting energy.
What was it that triggered this “click”, this “light bulb moment” as this song played? I’m still grappling with what it initially was.
Ah - it was the part of me that has been “shocked awake” - she’s been dead for a good long 15 years at the very least. Now that she’s woken up again, after all these years - it’s like she hollered out to me,
“You hear that Ayca?! Living Dead Girl! That’s it! That’s what’s happening! You hear him? You hear that sound which is saying,
‘WAKE UP woman, WAKE UP FROM THE DEAD!’ ”
My mind, at one with the realisation of how the experience of this world made a girl like that live dead.
I saw this quality of living dead moderately reflected in Marilyn Manson’s Tainted Love. The “smart girl” (with brown hair, brown eyes) - who wears glasses, transforming into the goth-power figurine with “spikes” - arch-nemesis of the Blonde “Queen Bee” Cheerleader. When i bring up this “Blonde” - i am referring to the predatory sort that comes paired with “talons” who always appears in many American Teen Dramas as the popular top-dog bitch who treats people like SHIT.
Thing is - my experience of school was nothing like how i’ve seen it Americana style. The social dynamics were a little different. My intellect & academic bone never had the chance for me to classify as a “nerd”. Being smart, duxing subjects, duxing the forms - was a status of power. Although we wore strict uniforms, I had a knack for “fashion” that shielded me a great deal from “dork” or “dag” usually attached to nerd-ism. I found my own way of commanding respect via “being smart” which is similar to the way Bill Gates has done it. No one has the power to label me as a nerd in a derogatory fashion, and even if they did, i would regard it as a supreme compliment.
My brother on the otherhand, didn’t manage to pass through this like i did. His school culture, didn’t respect the “Über-braniac” factor, it was put-down. I have encountered so many “nerd” people, those who carry this heavy weight of shame or inferiority for being smart. My intereactions with them has often been on a level of,
“What?!! Are you crazy?! I think it’s fantastic that you are like this! I think it’s super cool! It truly is! Gosh - please start feeling better about how you are, it’s so attractive!!”
I have seen their hearts release throughout my time. They required a “popular alpha captain” to grant them permission before they could rejoice?! Hell, my braniac spirit is so much like Weird Al Yankovic in “White and Nerdy” as it’s seen in this clip.
This song makes me laugh so much. The math, the references to website design, the acronyms, the “rambling brain-spacks” in this song. I am so much like this - this is exactly how my brain works inside. The way i dress and present myself on the otherhand - ah ok, let’s return back The Matrix again, clearly absent with it’s quality of “nerd” which Weird Al Yankovic owns in this clip. The thing is, i love people who may be Weird-Al-ish. Stimulating, refreshing, funny, so wonderful.
What? I risk lowering my status by making friends with people like that? Perhaps in an American Teen Drama BUT NOT IN MY LIFE! Nyup. It doesn’t work - no one has the power to bring me down like that. Perhaps some people tried, but it was the equivalent of water running off a ducks back. Try slamming the axe at me to knock me down like that and it’s going to bounce so hard it might slap you in the face like striking an ironbark tree.
Perhaps i was fortunate, or lucky - to have a school experience where it was greatly sheltered from Blonde Cheerleaders with Talons. The only times when i encountered girls like that, was during inter-school activities debating, mock-trials and public speaking. I saw more of them at the private schools that were more expensive & exclusive. I could definitely feel some of them trying to peck me down but i could also see that my life had the chance to grow up with my own style of confidence & strength in this arena of psychological girl-war too.
That Frolicksome Kid… He’s so much like how i have been. I don’t know where he stands within the spectrum of Weird-Al(nerdism) vs Matrix(geekism), all i know is that he’s incredibly similar to me in personality. I think he’s Über-COOL. Supremely COOL. As for his school “culture” - bahhhhhh. Hope this kid gets to meet other people just like him in real-life. I know when you’re like that, the school-environment alone is really not enough for you to meet others like that.
While i’ve had a distinctive streak of confidence and personal strength on many levels, this did not stop the fact that there was something terribly wrong with me too. How does a “straight A” student who’s up there in the popularity ranks (loved by many) find herself so lonely and at the point of commiting suicide?
So many people around me,
“Oh, you have so much going for you! You have everything i wished that i had!”
Nyah!
Clinical Depression, later diagnosed as Bi-Polar Disorder. Finally found the psychiatrist that helped me find the cure for it. I am cured, but that journey took an entire decade of busting my guts to claw myself out of the abyss and find myself currently standing at the top of the mountain again. I have gone through the tunnel of darkness where i could see no light, many moments of seeing lights and it was a frieght train coming towards me, but i have clawed my way out of it completely, I have found the light.
For those whom have fallen into darkness, yes - you can get out of it. Like, truly - GET OUT, truly shrug that shit off for good and take the reigns of riding the “upside” of being like this.
As for the part of me that has currently been shocked awake….
Living Dead Girl.
That part of me which has been dead for 15 years, then that other part of me which has been dead for 26 years.
That “girl” - that “girl” who embodies “femininity”, the girl who wasn’t so scared of wearing a colour like “PINK” once upon a time - she did used to exist, once upon a time.
For now - all i can think of is A & the stories of Papillon. Whatever it was that killed this “girl” i once used to be, shares close ranks to the equivalent of how a girl’s life gets impacted by something like Female Genital Mutilation. I have undoubtedly, experienced something very similar.
In the meanwhile, Living Dead Girl has risen from the dead.
For crazy thinking mums who have a bloody sense of humour!
