aka R’acquel

See how busy we’ve been? Look at the state of the lawn in our backyard. Hubby has been so caught up with manufacturing his whistles that I ended up challenging my refusal to learn how to start up a lawn mower. I’m the one always cleaning the toilets in this house, because my husband doesn’t know how to use a toilet brush. The embarassment of owning weeds and scottish thistles gowing up to 1.5m high in the front lawn of this house, in a “Garden Village” for crying out loud, finally got the better of me.

The flies have been so psycho up this way, that i had to invent my new Woztraylian Bushwoman’s (Reverse Swagman’s) Hat for protection. The psycho flies were attacking my ears so badly, that i created some protective ear flaps out of sticky fly-catching paper. Instead of shooing flys away with a regular swaggie hat, i designed this one to attract and kill them.

The front lawn before i started to learn how to start the mower. Take note of how the quality of light in the sky begins to change with the next photo! It’s the early beginnings of a new afternoon storm approaching.

The front lawn after i learned that there’s no point in pulling the string thingie if you haven’t pushed the accelerator throttle down thingie first. The down side of finishing all the mowing, was that the sound of the motor was no longer drowning out the sound of the dying flies stuck around my ear flaps screaming “help me, help me, help me, help me!” in stereo! 555

It took me about 60 minutes to mow our lawn. This new hat of mine reduced the entire psycho fly population of Leura by close to 150 flies. That’s approximtely the equivalent of one psycho fly attacking your ears every 24 seconds. Can you see why i had to invent this hat now? I was hoping that i could send them a very strong message of “fuck off” - that maybe they could tell their friends to,

“Stay away from this woman’s ears! She’s dangerous!”

…but they seemed to be somewhat aloof to this.

It is no longer a myth for me that the sign of sticky psycho flies attacking your ears in Leura, now means that there is going to be a fierce storm that will be brewing in the afternoon. The more psycho & sticky the flies are, the more volatile the storm usually becomes.

Some shots of the orange hazed clouds post-storm. This is about the 4th time that i’ve seen this phenomena across the last 2 years. You can see more orange-sky phenomena photos from My First Storm Chase in Feb 2006.

It’s been the coldest summer i’ve ever experienced in my life. I had to wear my winter coat a number of times during December(our summer here), and we’ve had to put the heaters on for some nights as well.

The dought has broken in many parts of oz with the La Nina weather pattern returning. Very high levels of rainfall have been having a significant impact on my plants.

Napoleon has never flowered for 2 years, just as my dwarf palm hasn’t given birth to a new stem either.

I’ve had this breed of succulent for close to 6 years. The first time i ever saw it flower was last year, where it had no more than 5 or 6 flowers. This time around - it’s a a full blown explosion!

This other succlent, has never looked so pregnant in my entire life of getting to know it over the years. The intensity of it’s colour has never been this saturated or explosive in it’s display. Old plants once deemed as potential dead - have been rising from the dead in my front lawn as well.

What has been the most striking across this summer, is the weather pattern of hot mornings with clear blue skies, that are consistently followed by the formation of electrically charged storms in the afternoon.

I’ve found it fascinating how the storms always form between 3-4pm on average so consistently. As for why i’ve been able to register such a time frame? It’s because these cloud formations start to occur when it’s time for me to pick my son up from school.

We had another hail storm the other day. My son never enjoys the thunderstorms because the electricity blackouts upset him a lot. It scares him. He thinks it’s going to be the end of the world (without electricity) and he’s also seeing the news reports of the climate getting worse, with many floodings and all sorts of other natural disasters revolving around the weather on TV.

I decided to try and divert his negative regard towards the weather into something positive. Here is part 1 of measuring the Leura “Floods” at the front of our house:

After the storm subsides, my son does a more accurate reading of the water level with his red K’nex stick.

For now - i must return back to life & work/work/work ~ and learn how to take more time to relax. It’s been good to be able to pull out my camera… but *sighs* ~ i have to get back to my work. Life’s great - but there’s a lot of amazing things in my life that i have to get back to achieving.

Read the rest of this entry »

My life eventually took up ladies kickboxing one day. Then i took it up again later with Holly Fernerly (Aussie female fighter, 3x world champion during the time that i knew her). I miss those classes so much now, my body is craving it a lot as i continue with my ritual walking for exercise.

Shortly after that period of taking up kickboxing, my brother gave me the movie known as “Beautiful Boxer”. The timing was incredibly ironic.

I had always wanted to take up martial arts - but something remarkable occured when i took up kickboxing - my heart fell in love with the “BOXING” side. Empowering to be in a room with other women so much stronger than me. Empowering to see women’s bodies in all shorts of shapes and sizes which sit outside of barbie-girl supermodel too. Big women, tall women, women with large frames - but OH MY, how powerful and STRONG.

Empowering - to enter into a sport where “SIZE” COUNTS! The bigger you are, the more advantageous it is towards you winning a fight. For once - size, being born a “big woman” - is something rather incredible and highly advantageous to own, something that could be envied in a sport like this.

I was paired with a large Samoan woman once. I have always admired the Samoan female figure. She was much taller than me, much wider than me - but also a “newbie”. An unfair pairing and oh my, i sure felt the power in her blows. All i had on my side was that i had more speed compared to my sparring partner. What a marvelous experience to be able to appreciate other women’s bodies like this. I find strength like that incredibly attractive in a woman.

I was also aware that these “ladies only” classes had a female energy i’ve been very familiar with as well. Of “lesbian” flair, but not necessarily “lesbian”. The spirit of these women reflected a lot of my lesbian friends. I preferred the company of strong, “tough” women who do not live in barbie-world.

When my brother gave me the “Beautiful Boxer” film to watch, the manner in which is acted like a “mirror” to my life was deeply moving.

My struggle and fight with gender-identity on the inside, this hatred and discomfort being born in the body of a “woman” has been so much like how Nong Toom yearned to leap out and completely embrace who s/he wanted to “be”, completely embracing the feminine but needing to fully embrace the masculine before s/he could get “there”.

To see him embrace what my heart has experienced so much pain over. When i see men tapping into the feminine within like that, it gives me more courage to accept the female body i was born with. I won’t be able to embrace my female side of a character like Toom that i “own”, untill i can own same calibre of strength that resides within the masculine that he attained in his/her life. For him/her to excel in a sport like kickboxing, the heart and pride of this nation - oh my,

“What a MAN!”

What a man to be able to deliver blows like that. It’s when i see him smile in the film, feel his insides shine like sunlight as he performs a graceful feminine ritual of “putting powder on his face” in the boxing ring. I don’t know how to describe it - but that’s precisely what i need to do with my own life. I need to embrace both.

I have always had strong resonance with gay, cross-dressing and transgender brothers. When i see men proud to embrace that feminine quality within, it helps me embrace the female within.

On further reflection recently, i have come to the realisation that if i can openly embrace the masculine within myself - this could very well have a similar effect on other men.

What strikes me at the moment, is the incident over the “Lip Balm” That Froliksome Kid went through. Easy for me to say,

“There is no shame in men needing to use lip balm to protect chapped/dry/cracking lips!”

I was aware that for me to say this, could not remove the shame and embarassment he must own unless he can remove the shame & embarassment that lives within himself first. The most i could do is “validate” - send “it’s perfectly OK, this does not make you any lesser-of-a-young-man” energy towards him.

I reflected on the masculine-within myself, the one which generates “shame” to me on a similar level to lip balm.

When That Froliksome Kid writes:

“It’s bad enough that I have dry lips and have to rely on using a lip balm.”

My equivalent would be:

“It’s bad enough that i have a ‘moustache’(as a WOMAN) and have to rely on using a razor on some occasions, because waxing will cause inflamation and place me at risk of developing in-grown hairs.”

I almost have as many chest-hairs on my husband - he’s got 6 hairs and i’ve got 3! He’s also a “blonde” - so his “body-fluff” is less obvious compared to me!

Shame for being “hairy”. With white/olive skin, it makes that “moustache” and other body-hairs a lot more noticeable with dark-brown hair!

I can see Princess Fiona in Shrek 2 - standing beside her husband in the bathroom and “shaving” her face. I like how that scene makes me laugh and embrace the “female ogre” within me (hey, perhaps even a Norwegien Troll!). What else can i say - my husband and i have enjoyed such moments like Shrek & “Princess” Fiona together as a couple where we have shared the same razor blade. As a couple, our relationship is very much like these two comedic ogres. We can share a bath together and find great amusement from making bubbles with our farts.

I don’t use women’s razors to shave anymore. I use men’s razors - because they are up to the task, they’re blades have always been supremely superior in comparison. Every time i used a woman’s razor - it failed to deliver every single time. That’s why i quit using them. They SUCKED and let me down so much that i QUIT for life.

As for my “moustache” - it’s not as bad as Frieda Kahlo and i don’t have a “monobrow”, but my body has been hairy enough to own “shame” due to the pathetic cultural standards which value “hairlessness”. My brother has endured the same kind of pain, antagonism for being so “hairy”.

The situation paints a different kind of picture when my brother revisited Thailand a few years ago. A large population of “hairless men” looking for the next latest potions and lotions to make themselves MORE hairy, like - to actually grow a beard of some kind - because hairyness was deemed so “masculine” and “man-ly”!

Yesterday, my mind had entertained the scenario of another man who’s hairy like my brother, being antagonised by a manly-man who is hairless. I found myself standing up to defend the hairy man.

“Don’t worry Michael, i think Mark is just jealous or intimidated by you because i’ve probably got more chest-hairs than he does.”

Like, a woman with more chest hairs than a man - and i can say that with personal strength now as surely - a woman with a fair amount of body hair must be the “high-testosterone” sort who would be quite a challenge to beat in competition.

I can take better acceptance of how my body-hair is these days. If it grows so long, strong and fast “downstairs” - the same is happening “upstairs” on the top of my head. Long, strong, thick hair that can withstand lots of punishment and still look healthy. Long hair that can take 3-4 years to grow uber-long, when it can take up to 10 years for other women to achieve length like that. I’m glad that i’ve finally been able to find my peace with it how my hairy-ness induced so much “shame” for being hairy - like a man.

The next time i get a derogatory comment from a man about my “moustache” - it’s just not going to wash. I can now laugh and smile,

“What?! Feeling intimidated or jealous that i could possibly have more chest-hairs than you?!” - with confidence, as having 3 chest-hairs hardly makes me look any less-attractive to my husband!

With that, i feel grateful and lucky that my husband likes me as I am, hairy or baldy - it doesn’t matter, he finds me attractive regardless and i’ve got to admit - that has been rather instrumental in my journey towards healing & self-acceptance.

When i think about it further - the people whom have attempted to bring me down for “owning” a moustache - i’m now beginning to wonder if my presence made them feel uncomfortable and scared. Perhaps men saw a woman who owned so many male-like interests as they did, found it refreshing or surprising/unusual that a woman could have similar interests. If they found that made me come across as attractive to them, i can now see how it could have the capacity to make them nervous. If men could find a woman like me attractive, aren’t they inadvertently also admiring “male” qualities? I can see potential there for paranoia - paranoia that admiring male-qualities like that could make them perceived as a potential closet-gay? Scared that they will get heckled for admiring “male-quality” because a woman has just made that look attractive? Maybe this just got them nervous, so perhaps this is why they felt the need to “knock” me down.

“I’m feeling scared about the maleness within you because i also find that how-you-are(as a person) is also attractive, so this is why i need to send energy at you which makes you feel bad about owning this maleness inside the body of a woman, because i need to see you find shame and see you disown that masculinity which you own in order to make me feel more comfortable with myself.”

If i were to be categorised on a “lesbian” schema - i would fall right in between “lipstick” & “butch”. If i were more “butch” - i get the feeling that i no man would ever try to bring me down with a moustache like that but i clearly own a degree of “lipstick”ism, don’t wax or shave that much, but sometimes i feel like it. Don’t enjoy wearing makeup that much at all, but sometimes - i feel like it.

This post is again in the stasis where my thoughts have not found good consluion, but i’m okay with that because i can always follow things up another time.

What i can say for now - is if anyone has ever felt “different” or “not like anyone else” - especially when it’s regarding that inner-conflict experienced with gender-identity - I highly recommend that you source “Beautiful Boxer” and watch it. The story it conveys was incredibly powerful for me, and i hope the sensations of peace, healing and inspiration that i experienced with my own gender-identity when watching this film has a similar positive & inspiring effect on others.

In the meanwhile, enjoying the WO-MAN that i’m becoming as a FE-MALE.

Read the rest of this entry »

I was reflecting on how my Femininity-isms post was written during a very agitated state of mind. Events have occured in my life where i have been “shocked awake”. It’s positive, but the resulting consequence is that it also leaves me feeling vulnerable. On the otherhand, i am also now an adult whom has gained incredible strength and skills through surviving extreme hardship. I have the power to integrate this experience well.

I was a little self concious that what happened with the Femininity-isms post was that it was capturing numerous emotionally loaded topics but i was at peace with my “scattered & disorganised thoughts”. It captured something grand but was really - a process of free-style writing in the fashion of “note taking”. Very much like a firework - where one rocket fires up into the air, then it branches out firing other explosions like a tree. That post was like the firing of the first rocket.

I was in the car yesterday, dropped my son off at school - so on my way home, i cranked up the volume on the stereo to play the Rob Zombie album really really loud.

Words which come up into my mind that i would associate with this sort of behaviour can be,

Hooligan
Gangster
A male in his late teens that’s loaded with a lot of testosterone
“Doof” or “doosh doosh” car

…but an industrial, heavy metal version loaded with a lot of sharp black.

A head-banging warmonger, the strong resonance and connection my spirit feels with a female amazon viking. Not far off from a hybrid of Xena the Princess Warrior & Buffy the Vampire Slayer - loaded with a lot more testosterone. My mind uses the symbol of owning a “B-CUP” breast size to represent this loaded level of testosterone. If the fictional character known as Lara Croft had a much smaller breast size - that would definitely be me. It’s a lot like Angelina Joile, but minus the open-sex-appeal factor.

A fighter - BUT DON’T YOU DARE LOOK AT MY BODY LIKE THIS!

The character “Trinity” in The Matrix, was fairly close in resonating with how i would put this. My hair used to be short like that too.

I am “high-T”. I have always been alpha in the core.

As for how i first got in touch with Rob Zombie, it was through the film known as “Matrix”. There was a scene at an S&M style of nightclub and i think it was the song Dragula that deatured as the backing sountrack. I was so moved by this film and this particular song that i went to great efforts in order to scan the credits in order to source the name of the artist behind the energy of this song, so Rob Zombie it was.

As for Matrix - this film strongly resonated with how i was at the time. It reflected my taste in fashion, this is how i used to dress in “corporate attire” and work as a designer. My work has the same style of execution as it appears in the film and martial arts sequences. As for the S&M connotations present within the film, the leather, PVC, spikes, “black” or “goth” - present within me, but clearly - not so overtly “public”. For numerous years, a good two decades at least, my body has always strongly yearned to take up martial arts as well. As for how a sport known as kickboxing deeply impacted my life, that clearly deserves another post.

Got the album. Rob Zombie’s song known as Suberbeast is another one that carries the same kind of loaded & strong powerful energy. It’s both Dragula & Suberbeast that i enjoy listening to at a very loud Doosh-Doosh volume in the car.

It was the song “Living Dead Girl” which followed these two tracks yesterday where i experienced the sound of a significant penny dropping….

Oh - how the penny dropped. I’ve never really enjoyed this song in the car. After the first two tracks containing this explosive energy, this song always generates a “drain” because it doesn’t match the grunting energy.

What was it that triggered this “click”, this “light bulb moment” as this song played? I’m still grappling with what it initially was.

Ah - it was the part of me that has been “shocked awake” - she’s been dead for a good long 15 years at the very least. Now that she’s woken up again, after all these years - it’s like she hollered out to me,

“You hear that Ayca?! Living Dead Girl! That’s it! That’s what’s happening! You hear him? You hear that sound which is saying,

‘WAKE UP woman, WAKE UP FROM THE DEAD!’ ”

My mind, at one with the realisation of how the experience of this world made a girl like that live dead.

I saw this quality of living dead moderately reflected in Marilyn Manson’s Tainted Love. The “smart girl” (with brown hair, brown eyes) - who wears glasses, transforming into the goth-power figurine with “spikes” - arch-nemesis of the Blonde “Queen Bee” Cheerleader. When i bring up this “Blonde” - i am referring to the predatory sort that comes paired with “talons” who always appears in many American Teen Dramas as the popular top-dog bitch who treats people like SHIT.

Thing is - my experience of school was nothing like how i’ve seen it Americana style. The social dynamics were a little different. My intellect & academic bone never had the chance for me to classify as a “nerd”. Being smart, duxing subjects, duxing the forms - was a status of power. Although we wore strict uniforms, I had a knack for “fashion” that shielded me a great deal from “dork” or “dag” usually attached to nerd-ism. I found my own way of commanding respect via “being smart” which is similar to the way Bill Gates has done it. No one has the power to label me as a nerd in a derogatory fashion, and even if they did, i would regard it as a supreme compliment.

My brother on the otherhand, didn’t manage to pass through this like i did. His school culture, didn’t respect the “Über-braniac” factor, it was put-down. I have encountered so many “nerd” people, those who carry this heavy weight of shame or inferiority for being smart. My intereactions with them has often been on a level of,

“What?!! Are you crazy?! I think it’s fantastic that you are like this! I think it’s super cool! It truly is! Gosh - please start feeling better about how you are, it’s so attractive!!”

I have seen their hearts release throughout my time. They required a “popular alpha captain” to grant them permission before they could rejoice?! Hell, my braniac spirit is so much like Weird Al Yankovic in “White and Nerdy” as it’s seen in this clip.

This song makes me laugh so much. The math, the references to website design, the acronyms, the “rambling brain-spacks” in this song. I am so much like this - this is exactly how my brain works inside. The way i dress and present myself on the otherhand - ah ok, let’s return back The Matrix again, clearly absent with it’s quality of “nerd” which Weird Al Yankovic owns in this clip. The thing is, i love people who may be Weird-Al-ish. Stimulating, refreshing, funny, so wonderful.

What? I risk lowering my status by making friends with people like that? Perhaps in an American Teen Drama BUT NOT IN MY LIFE! Nyup. It doesn’t work - no one has the power to bring me down like that. Perhaps some people tried, but it was the equivalent of water running off a ducks back. Try slamming the axe at me to knock me down like that and it’s going to bounce so hard it might slap you in the face like striking an ironbark tree.

Perhaps i was fortunate, or lucky - to have a school experience where it was greatly sheltered from Blonde Cheerleaders with Talons. The only times when i encountered girls like that, was during inter-school activities debating, mock-trials and public speaking. I saw more of them at the private schools that were more expensive & exclusive. I could definitely feel some of them trying to peck me down but i could also see that my life had the chance to grow up with my own style of confidence & strength in this arena of psychological girl-war too.

That Frolicksome Kid… He’s so much like how i have been. I don’t know where he stands within the spectrum of Weird-Al(nerdism) vs Matrix(geekism), all i know is that he’s incredibly similar to me in personality. I think he’s Über-COOL. Supremely COOL. As for his school “culture” - bahhhhhh. Hope this kid gets to meet other people just like him in real-life. I know when you’re like that, the school-environment alone is really not enough for you to meet others like that.

While i’ve had a distinctive streak of confidence and personal strength on many levels, this did not stop the fact that there was something terribly wrong with me too. How does a “straight A” student who’s up there in the popularity ranks (loved by many) find herself so lonely and at the point of commiting suicide?

So many people around me,

“Oh, you have so much going for you! You have everything i wished that i had!”

Nyah!

Clinical Depression, later diagnosed as Bi-Polar Disorder. Finally found the psychiatrist that helped me find the cure for it. I am cured, but that journey took an entire decade of busting my guts to claw myself out of the abyss and find myself currently standing at the top of the mountain again. I have gone through the tunnel of darkness where i could see no light, many moments of seeing lights and it was a frieght train coming towards me, but i have clawed my way out of it completely, I have found the light.

For those whom have fallen into darkness, yes - you can get out of it. Like, truly - GET OUT, truly shrug that shit off for good and take the reigns of riding the “upside” of being like this.

As for the part of me that has currently been shocked awake….

Living Dead Girl.

That part of me which has been dead for 15 years, then that other part of me which has been dead for 26 years.

That “girl” - that “girl” who embodies “femininity”, the girl who wasn’t so scared of wearing a colour like “PINK” once upon a time - she did used to exist, once upon a time.

For now - all i can think of is A & the stories of Papillon. Whatever it was that killed this “girl” i once used to be, shares close ranks to the equivalent of how a girl’s life gets impacted by something like Female Genital Mutilation. I have undoubtedly, experienced something very similar.

In the meanwhile, Living Dead Girl has risen from the dead.

Read the rest of this entry »

I’ve been reflecting a lot on my identity of late. Going through some kind of crystalisation of who i am. An experience of growth and heightened awareness.

While i’ve felt lost in the realm of cultural identity i know one genre of life where i know i have felt the strongest form of connection, joy and celebration of life. It’s been through music.

Music to me is perhaps similar to what alcohol is to an alcoholic. Clearly not safe and hazzardous to my health if i don’t take it in moderation.

When i hear medical commentary suggesting that people listen to music in order to help with getting better sleep, in order to help them sleep - it makes me laugh. I couldn’t possibly think of anything worse to do before bed. Even if a song is “calm” or “soothing” - it just stimulates me far too much to be in a position to be induced into sleep. Then again, perhaps I haven’t come across too many songs that do induce a state of helping to shut the body down.

I’ve got to admit - i did experience a strong sensation of melancholic restful peace & consolidation this after i followed up TorAa’s holocaust link in the former post. There clearly is an innate giftedness in the composer who wrote that piece of music functioning as the sountrack for this website. Of course, my taste and physical reaction to this song, is indeed my own individual experience of it.

I’ve been meaning to bridge with the following song in this video clip with a post for quite some time, titled “Cruicified” by the Army of Lovers.

I know Mrs.Lifecruiser will understand why i enjoy this piece, and she will perhaps resonate similarly to the fashion as i do with regards to the costume design.

I was cruicified on religious grounds during the time of this song’s release during late 1991, early 1992. The apparent “comedy” i find within it, was clearly a great way for me to “laugh my way through it.” Just a tender age of 14 going on 15 - it provided just the right kind of “up yours” to “the system” that helped me to grapple with feelings and experiences i was inadvertently forced to confront on my own. I have always enjoyed humour that is irreverant & cheeky.

The fashion - yes, i love the era of “renaisannce”. Another thing i enjoyed the most, is the so-called “gayness” of the male singer. By this, i mean the ownership of an attribute presiding within men that would make people pass judgement that he is “gay”, when really - even a hetrosexual man could own aspects of a quality like this too. I’ve always enjoyed men who have proudly owned and expressed this quality. Whether or not this is a specific icon of “homosexuality” - my life has been chronically depleted of representations of men like this in media. Or - i guess celebrity men who embue “masculinity”, perhaps Tom Cruise of Brad Pitt, that sort of male doesn’t do too much for me.

I generally don’t put much weight of what people look getting in the way of forming friendships, so this is simply just my own exploration of,

“Hey, i really like this - when men dress like this, i think it looks good.” (and not in a sexual sense).

I really like it when men embrace style like this. I really enjoy “frilly” shirts on both men and women. I find it classy, elegant and artistic. I don’t exactly feel comfortable with overt sexuality (feel it’s best behind closed doors), but to see men express themselves like this - i find it incredibly refreshing and inspiring. When i see men like this, i don’t think,

“What a less of a man”.

For me, it’s more like,

“What a man - look at this man, how wonderful to see the male figure look ‘beautiful’ like this.”

I can embrace it as something incredibly masculine, man-like. I admire it anyway. I find it very “attractive” and i’m incredibly curious to know how Chase feels, how he would judge the level of attractiveness in the singer with the black hair - how does that fit within his own schema of “ooh, that’s hot” or “ewe, how embarassing/gross”. Actually - i’m rather curious to know how other men (hetrosexual or otherwise) would judge and regard this singer too. Do they identify? Do they own a quality like this themselves? Can they admire or appreciate this? How does this singer’s “handsome-ness” fit within their own scale of what they feel makes a man look attractive?

Artists like Boy George had the same impact on me. So too did the Village People. So wonderful for me to see other reflections of men. As i see them embracing the supposedly “feminine” clasifications that exist, it has helped me to find peace with my own “masculines”. If i am able to see them as men - then i guess it could be the same for me as well. Acceptance of my femaleness as it is, that because i do not entirely mesh with the ideals presented via the projected norms of pop-culture, this really can no longer make me any lesser-of-a-woman.

Clearly going through a process of something begining to solidify within me. It’s almost as though life is commanding me to embrace, accept and integrate into my being. A good thing despite the level of emotions being somewhat intense.

Read the rest of this entry »

I’m being attacked by several trails of thought.

1. I have gotten myself into trouble for failing to sleep. I did take my medication at a very low dose, but it clealry wasn’t enough to knock me down.

2. I relate a lot more closely towards women who wear a hijab and like to be private & conservative compared to women who live in sexy-girl “flashy” world, but i belong to neither worlds and live in the middle of both called “somewhere else that is almost never portrayed in mainstream media”.

2. I feel neither 100% Turkish or 100% Aussie even though i was born in OZ. Struggle with my cultural identity - i don’t have one. I don’t feel like i “belong” to either at all, more like rejected by both! It’s like a mix of both but it’s neither of both at the same time. My concept of “cultural” identity lives along the realms of people who have:

a) a sense of humour

b) can tolerate or enjoy the smell of their own farts, perhaps rate them on the basis of smell and volume, either way - a fart is likely to make them laugh out loud, even moreso if someone blows a truly stinky one that would require you to evacuate the building

c) people who are good with cooking, use raw ingredients and not the processed stuff, have a real knack to the “art of hosting”

d) people with a noticeable sense of international diplomacy, those who get pleasure from learning/understanding the customs of other cultures

This is the best i can come up with in terms of how i tend to identify on a cultural level. When people ask me where my name comes from, it’s incredibly awkward to announce it’s Turkish, because people naturally start to categorise me in terms of their experiences with Turkish people & culture. I guess the same may occur with my annoucement of being Australian born & bread, who knows how many may associate that with something like Crocodile Dundee and other “outback” references that are iconically Aussie. I personally really enjoy “Americans”, my experiences of Americana - that i’ve always been in love with that country and have always wished that i had grown up over there, equally aware that those who identify with being American will face some kind of negative regard as well. Either way, i guess this is still my own journey no different to others as they come to terms with learning more about who they are with the passage of time. I’m just aware that my life doesn’t have a specific cultural connection via country so it keeps me in an in-between kind of state.

3. I experience the same with my gender identity, don’t feel i belong to either “male” or “female”. I have qualities that make me very feminine in some ways, but also own many other qualities that would be deemed as masculine (or non-feminine) Kind of feel at most peace by kind of regarding myself as a kind of androgenous thing that lives in the middle of both worlds called “somewhere else which is never protrayed in mainstreem media, or any attempts to present a strong ass kicking chick will not be coming paired with breasts in a humble “B CUP” size for quite some time) Oh - maybe Sigourney Weaver in Alien (especially when she’s a mother and says “GET AWAY FROM HER YOU BITCH” and starts shooting with a BFG) could possibly pass for something which is close to me. *lol*

4. I need to formally process the story of my pregnancy and chilbirth experience that was complicated with Multiple Sclerosis. I endured monumentally bad treatment from some of the doctors at the hospitals. I hold a lot of unprocessed anger. While i have found a great deal of closure over the years on the event, a part of my heart is still stuck on a particular doctor who was truly one hell of an asshole. My usual method is to channel such things through humour, to mock and take the piss out of it, to find a way of laughing out loud. I performed a stand up comedy routine in an attempt to process the event, and it was fantastic. It just feels like i need to take the piss out of this one particular doctor, or i really need to find a way to say,

“HEY - the hospital service at KGV & RPAH emergency ward was a festering pool of shit so bad that you can smell the degree of entropy and rott the minute you walk into the joint”…

….anyways, surely i will find a way to process such things with a greater level of grace and eloquence. For the meanwhile, it really feels like i need to “stick it” to these people, make them accountable for the disgraceful mistakes and poor treatment. It’s the “nice and polite” people like me who refrain from causing a “racket” that are at the greatest risk in my opinion, because you won’t get the attention that you need unless you act like psychotic a lunatic.

Sorry…. a federal election is nearing and i think both the major parties have had their pros and cons. I can’t stand it when people engage in this stupid shitfights of,

PARTY A: “I have this idea, i think things could work well this way”
PARTY B: “NO! Your idea sucks, it’s wrong and bad and i’m just gonna say that it sucks and attack you for it because if i’m ever perceived to be agreeing with you on anything, this will make me be perceived as a looser”.

Ah yeah …. i guess i prefer the company of people who prefer to make the effort in working together to strategise on how things can be done better as a “team”. Well - i guess i achieve a lot doing things that way in my personal life anyway.

What else haven’t i covered yet?

Oh right, what does “femininity” actually mean? Right now, it feels like a judgement of socially perceived female attractiveness that can score you a boyfriend to plug up and fill an empty void in your life, which hardly places any emphasis on establishing, maintaining and commiting to a long-term relationship with someone else that is successful.

Today, i came to the realisation that a child was spawned out of my body. Like, geeze - only women can do that huh? How the hell can i not be female-enough? Hmm….

Oh right, another one.

5. I really loved kickboxing when i took it up a few years ago and i’m really really missing it alot right now.

Read the rest of this entry »

Is it tragic that i only own two pairs of shoes? I know i’m not the only female who is like this but it has been difficult on my perception of gender identity to constantly receive input from sources like media that presents women as shoe-junkies.

I can respect other women’s need have an entire closet dedicated to shoes (hey, a tonnage of so many different clothes even) but i can’t understand or relate to the “why”. It makes me feel left-out or on the “outside”, that i’m not as-female/feminine for being how i am. Actually, it’s more than just things like clothes and shoes that make me feel like that.

Read the rest of this entry »

Lots of hardcore pattern engineering of late with my first formalwear piece. It’s been quite an adventure to generate a piece/pattern that tapers closely to all the curves. Ergonomics to the max - i love designing for comfort of the human body.

This endeavour is primarily for the sake of artistic expression alone. My end-goal is to make people scream (like a girl) when they see it. I have a knack for doing this to people with my work ever since i was a child, so that’s the goal. To make people scream as soon as they see it, and then when they read my reason for making this garment is to make people scream - the desired effect is that this it’s going to make them laugh - because they just screamed a lot, so therefore - the garment has done it’s job well.

For now - i have to continue tweaking the first fabric mock-up a little bit more and will be heading out to purchase the fabric on Monday. I’m very determined to make a strong impact and look forward to scouting the ideal place for a bit of photography up in the mountains somewhere.

Enough talk-it! Must continue to walk-it!

Read the rest of this entry »