aka R’acquel

Although many C64 games were fairly “unisex” for me - I still faced many which featured males as the primary protagonist all the time. Come to think of it - Hollywood films are comparitively, not too different!

This wasn’t too much of a big deal for me, but i did experience something magical as a young girl when my life finally encountered a game known as Yie Ar Kung Fu, especially when the female opponents, Fan & Star appeared - dressed in RED! (no! never in pink, it must always be a pomegranite red, for me!)

Like - wow, finally - a female fighter! About bloody time. Fan was my favourite. I loved her dress, that she appeared to be brunette and i also liked the fans that she chucked. You can see these ladies in fighting action here:

This gameplay makes me laugh so much as i used very similar moves to win. Primitive compared to the complex martial arts moves you can muster on a PS2 with a game like Tekken in this era.

When Fan entered into my life, i felt so much peace and hapiness being the way that i am, or perhaps it was a reflection of where it was that i needed to go…

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I was reflecting on how my Femininity-isms post was written during a very agitated state of mind. Events have occured in my life where i have been “shocked awake”. It’s positive, but the resulting consequence is that it also leaves me feeling vulnerable. On the otherhand, i am also now an adult whom has gained incredible strength and skills through surviving extreme hardship. I have the power to integrate this experience well.

I was a little self concious that what happened with the Femininity-isms post was that it was capturing numerous emotionally loaded topics but i was at peace with my “scattered & disorganised thoughts”. It captured something grand but was really - a process of free-style writing in the fashion of “note taking”. Very much like a firework - where one rocket fires up into the air, then it branches out firing other explosions like a tree. That post was like the firing of the first rocket.

I was in the car yesterday, dropped my son off at school - so on my way home, i cranked up the volume on the stereo to play the Rob Zombie album really really loud.

Words which come up into my mind that i would associate with this sort of behaviour can be,

Hooligan
Gangster
A male in his late teens that’s loaded with a lot of testosterone
“Doof” or “doosh doosh” car

…but an industrial, heavy metal version loaded with a lot of sharp black.

A head-banging warmonger, the strong resonance and connection my spirit feels with a female amazon viking. Not far off from a hybrid of Xena the Princess Warrior & Buffy the Vampire Slayer - loaded with a lot more testosterone. My mind uses the symbol of owning a “B-CUP” breast size to represent this loaded level of testosterone. If the fictional character known as Lara Croft had a much smaller breast size - that would definitely be me. It’s a lot like Angelina Joile, but minus the open-sex-appeal factor.

A fighter - BUT DON’T YOU DARE LOOK AT MY BODY LIKE THIS!

The character “Trinity” in The Matrix, was fairly close in resonating with how i would put this. My hair used to be short like that too.

I am “high-T”. I have always been alpha in the core.

As for how i first got in touch with Rob Zombie, it was through the film known as “Matrix”. There was a scene at an S&M style of nightclub and i think it was the song Dragula that deatured as the backing sountrack. I was so moved by this film and this particular song that i went to great efforts in order to scan the credits in order to source the name of the artist behind the energy of this song, so Rob Zombie it was.

As for Matrix - this film strongly resonated with how i was at the time. It reflected my taste in fashion, this is how i used to dress in “corporate attire” and work as a designer. My work has the same style of execution as it appears in the film and martial arts sequences. As for the S&M connotations present within the film, the leather, PVC, spikes, “black” or “goth” - present within me, but clearly - not so overtly “public”. For numerous years, a good two decades at least, my body has always strongly yearned to take up martial arts as well. As for how a sport known as kickboxing deeply impacted my life, that clearly deserves another post.

Got the album. Rob Zombie’s song known as Suberbeast is another one that carries the same kind of loaded & strong powerful energy. It’s both Dragula & Suberbeast that i enjoy listening to at a very loud Doosh-Doosh volume in the car.

It was the song “Living Dead Girl” which followed these two tracks yesterday where i experienced the sound of a significant penny dropping….

Oh - how the penny dropped. I’ve never really enjoyed this song in the car. After the first two tracks containing this explosive energy, this song always generates a “drain” because it doesn’t match the grunting energy.

What was it that triggered this “click”, this “light bulb moment” as this song played? I’m still grappling with what it initially was.

Ah - it was the part of me that has been “shocked awake” - she’s been dead for a good long 15 years at the very least. Now that she’s woken up again, after all these years - it’s like she hollered out to me,

“You hear that Ayca?! Living Dead Girl! That’s it! That’s what’s happening! You hear him? You hear that sound which is saying,

‘WAKE UP woman, WAKE UP FROM THE DEAD!’ ”

My mind, at one with the realisation of how the experience of this world made a girl like that live dead.

I saw this quality of living dead moderately reflected in Marilyn Manson’s Tainted Love. The “smart girl” (with brown hair, brown eyes) - who wears glasses, transforming into the goth-power figurine with “spikes” - arch-nemesis of the Blonde “Queen Bee” Cheerleader. When i bring up this “Blonde” - i am referring to the predatory sort that comes paired with “talons” who always appears in many American Teen Dramas as the popular top-dog bitch who treats people like SHIT.

Thing is - my experience of school was nothing like how i’ve seen it Americana style. The social dynamics were a little different. My intellect & academic bone never had the chance for me to classify as a “nerd”. Being smart, duxing subjects, duxing the forms - was a status of power. Although we wore strict uniforms, I had a knack for “fashion” that shielded me a great deal from “dork” or “dag” usually attached to nerd-ism. I found my own way of commanding respect via “being smart” which is similar to the way Bill Gates has done it. No one has the power to label me as a nerd in a derogatory fashion, and even if they did, i would regard it as a supreme compliment.

My brother on the otherhand, didn’t manage to pass through this like i did. His school culture, didn’t respect the “Über-braniac” factor, it was put-down. I have encountered so many “nerd” people, those who carry this heavy weight of shame or inferiority for being smart. My intereactions with them has often been on a level of,

“What?!! Are you crazy?! I think it’s fantastic that you are like this! I think it’s super cool! It truly is! Gosh - please start feeling better about how you are, it’s so attractive!!”

I have seen their hearts release throughout my time. They required a “popular alpha captain” to grant them permission before they could rejoice?! Hell, my braniac spirit is so much like Weird Al Yankovic in “White and Nerdy” as it’s seen in this clip.

This song makes me laugh so much. The math, the references to website design, the acronyms, the “rambling brain-spacks” in this song. I am so much like this - this is exactly how my brain works inside. The way i dress and present myself on the otherhand - ah ok, let’s return back The Matrix again, clearly absent with it’s quality of “nerd” which Weird Al Yankovic owns in this clip. The thing is, i love people who may be Weird-Al-ish. Stimulating, refreshing, funny, so wonderful.

What? I risk lowering my status by making friends with people like that? Perhaps in an American Teen Drama BUT NOT IN MY LIFE! Nyup. It doesn’t work - no one has the power to bring me down like that. Perhaps some people tried, but it was the equivalent of water running off a ducks back. Try slamming the axe at me to knock me down like that and it’s going to bounce so hard it might slap you in the face like striking an ironbark tree.

Perhaps i was fortunate, or lucky - to have a school experience where it was greatly sheltered from Blonde Cheerleaders with Talons. The only times when i encountered girls like that, was during inter-school activities debating, mock-trials and public speaking. I saw more of them at the private schools that were more expensive & exclusive. I could definitely feel some of them trying to peck me down but i could also see that my life had the chance to grow up with my own style of confidence & strength in this arena of psychological girl-war too.

That Frolicksome Kid… He’s so much like how i have been. I don’t know where he stands within the spectrum of Weird-Al(nerdism) vs Matrix(geekism), all i know is that he’s incredibly similar to me in personality. I think he’s Über-COOL. Supremely COOL. As for his school “culture” - bahhhhhh. Hope this kid gets to meet other people just like him in real-life. I know when you’re like that, the school-environment alone is really not enough for you to meet others like that.

While i’ve had a distinctive streak of confidence and personal strength on many levels, this did not stop the fact that there was something terribly wrong with me too. How does a “straight A” student who’s up there in the popularity ranks (loved by many) find herself so lonely and at the point of commiting suicide?

So many people around me,

“Oh, you have so much going for you! You have everything i wished that i had!”

Nyah!

Clinical Depression, later diagnosed as Bi-Polar Disorder. Finally found the psychiatrist that helped me find the cure for it. I am cured, but that journey took an entire decade of busting my guts to claw myself out of the abyss and find myself currently standing at the top of the mountain again. I have gone through the tunnel of darkness where i could see no light, many moments of seeing lights and it was a frieght train coming towards me, but i have clawed my way out of it completely, I have found the light.

For those whom have fallen into darkness, yes - you can get out of it. Like, truly - GET OUT, truly shrug that shit off for good and take the reigns of riding the “upside” of being like this.

As for the part of me that has currently been shocked awake….

Living Dead Girl.

That part of me which has been dead for 15 years, then that other part of me which has been dead for 26 years.

That “girl” - that “girl” who embodies “femininity”, the girl who wasn’t so scared of wearing a colour like “PINK” once upon a time - she did used to exist, once upon a time.

For now - all i can think of is A & the stories of Papillon. Whatever it was that killed this “girl” i once used to be, shares close ranks to the equivalent of how a girl’s life gets impacted by something like Female Genital Mutilation. I have undoubtedly, experienced something very similar.

In the meanwhile, Living Dead Girl has risen from the dead.

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I’ve been reflecting a lot on my identity of late. Going through some kind of crystalisation of who i am. An experience of growth and heightened awareness.

While i’ve felt lost in the realm of cultural identity i know one genre of life where i know i have felt the strongest form of connection, joy and celebration of life. It’s been through music.

Music to me is perhaps similar to what alcohol is to an alcoholic. Clearly not safe and hazzardous to my health if i don’t take it in moderation.

When i hear medical commentary suggesting that people listen to music in order to help with getting better sleep, in order to help them sleep - it makes me laugh. I couldn’t possibly think of anything worse to do before bed. Even if a song is “calm” or “soothing” - it just stimulates me far too much to be in a position to be induced into sleep. Then again, perhaps I haven’t come across too many songs that do induce a state of helping to shut the body down.

I’ve got to admit - i did experience a strong sensation of melancholic restful peace & consolidation this after i followed up TorAa’s holocaust link in the former post. There clearly is an innate giftedness in the composer who wrote that piece of music functioning as the sountrack for this website. Of course, my taste and physical reaction to this song, is indeed my own individual experience of it.

I’ve been meaning to bridge with the following song in this video clip with a post for quite some time, titled “Cruicified” by the Army of Lovers.

I know Mrs.Lifecruiser will understand why i enjoy this piece, and she will perhaps resonate similarly to the fashion as i do with regards to the costume design.

I was cruicified on religious grounds during the time of this song’s release during late 1991, early 1992. The apparent “comedy” i find within it, was clearly a great way for me to “laugh my way through it.” Just a tender age of 14 going on 15 - it provided just the right kind of “up yours” to “the system” that helped me to grapple with feelings and experiences i was inadvertently forced to confront on my own. I have always enjoyed humour that is irreverant & cheeky.

The fashion - yes, i love the era of “renaisannce”. Another thing i enjoyed the most, is the so-called “gayness” of the male singer. By this, i mean the ownership of an attribute presiding within men that would make people pass judgement that he is “gay”, when really - even a hetrosexual man could own aspects of a quality like this too. I’ve always enjoyed men who have proudly owned and expressed this quality. Whether or not this is a specific icon of “homosexuality” - my life has been chronically depleted of representations of men like this in media. Or - i guess celebrity men who embue “masculinity”, perhaps Tom Cruise of Brad Pitt, that sort of male doesn’t do too much for me.

I generally don’t put much weight of what people look getting in the way of forming friendships, so this is simply just my own exploration of,

“Hey, i really like this - when men dress like this, i think it looks good.” (and not in a sexual sense).

I really like it when men embrace style like this. I really enjoy “frilly” shirts on both men and women. I find it classy, elegant and artistic. I don’t exactly feel comfortable with overt sexuality (feel it’s best behind closed doors), but to see men express themselves like this - i find it incredibly refreshing and inspiring. When i see men like this, i don’t think,

“What a less of a man”.

For me, it’s more like,

“What a man - look at this man, how wonderful to see the male figure look ‘beautiful’ like this.”

I can embrace it as something incredibly masculine, man-like. I admire it anyway. I find it very “attractive” and i’m incredibly curious to know how Chase feels, how he would judge the level of attractiveness in the singer with the black hair - how does that fit within his own schema of “ooh, that’s hot” or “ewe, how embarassing/gross”. Actually - i’m rather curious to know how other men (hetrosexual or otherwise) would judge and regard this singer too. Do they identify? Do they own a quality like this themselves? Can they admire or appreciate this? How does this singer’s “handsome-ness” fit within their own scale of what they feel makes a man look attractive?

Artists like Boy George had the same impact on me. So too did the Village People. So wonderful for me to see other reflections of men. As i see them embracing the supposedly “feminine” clasifications that exist, it has helped me to find peace with my own “masculines”. If i am able to see them as men - then i guess it could be the same for me as well. Acceptance of my femaleness as it is, that because i do not entirely mesh with the ideals presented via the projected norms of pop-culture, this really can no longer make me any lesser-of-a-woman.

Clearly going through a process of something begining to solidify within me. It’s almost as though life is commanding me to embrace, accept and integrate into my being. A good thing despite the level of emotions being somewhat intense.

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When it comes to God, my feelings are similar to Lifecruiser’s. I still had a rather intriguing experience when i made this pillow the other day.

The journey first started out when i began to research for pictures of old Sultan’s signatures from the Turkish Ottoman empire. I’ve always loved calligraphy and remember the day when my Dad first introduced me to the Sultan’s signatures. It truly blew me out, that someone’s name could be written with such a complex combination of interesting swirls.

Anywayz, my journey got diverted as this quickly got me onto the calligraphic representation of the Islamic “Bismillah” - a translation for “In the name of God”. A similar calligraphic formation to the sultan’s signatures which can come in many kinds of shapes. I just happened to get taken away by the bird version, it blew me out. Just had to see what it looked like embroidered, i felt compelled to see how the design would look like if it was printed with threads instead of a pen.

It was a really humbling experience for me. There was something really wonderful about making it. I really enjoy what it’s trying to communicate - in the name of God, most gracious, most compasionate” …but i don’t think these words quite encapsulate it in the way that i can see and feel the calligraphy doing it from a design viewpoint.

It has left me wondering if other people from other religions who do believe in God, may find that it closely relates to their own relationship with God as it is expressed by the calligraphy. I know friends who are religous, have read their feelings towards God which closely resembles what i see in the way the lines have been drawn, the heart which lives behind the design. The expression which lives behind this calligraphic form does not come across like the significant icon of a cross that would stand for something like Chrstianity. For me, it’s like an expression of, “in the name of God(that great big power, wonderful thingie universe stuff, call it science if you want to, which has the capacity to generate beautiful things on this earth)”, not “in the name of a God who follows Islam”.

As for me, i’m like Lifecruiser on this front but my appreciation of this calligraphy is the artistic expression. A creative beauty which stands as a really beautiful form of human expression for me in it’s final representation. It has grace and elegance in it’s execution that i greatly admire.

I have my reasons for needing to stand in the sidelines with religion but i really enjoyed how humbling the experience was to explore calligraphy like this too.

“Those who say these words with thoughts of self-aggrandizement, or selfish gains, or self-centered vain profit in any manner, will receive their just reward… suffering, pain and confusion. Likewise, those who truly dedicate every step of their life to the glory and service of the Ever-present One shall also receive their just reward… peace, love and beauty.”

I didn’t exactly make this pillow in the name of God, but it was an exercise for me to connect with my family’s Islamic & cultural heritage that both my brother and me have been rather estranged to due to growing up in this country and my Dad also being an agnostic athiest who’s scientifically inclined.

As for the peace, love and beauty bit - oh yeah, i’m definitely a great advocate to anyone who strives for that lot. That’s probably why i’ve found this experience to be rewarding if anything. Made in the name of engaging in a process that can generate peace, love and beauty perhaps - regardless of how you get some, it’s good when life rewards you like that. I got some after making the pillow, it was rewarding! It’s such a wonderful piece of calligraphy that doesn’t cease to catch my eye each time i walk past the frigging pillow.

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Have been a busy bee at the machine this week, attempting to craft up items i can sell to make a spare bit of cash on Ebay. If they don’t sell, i can enjoy them in my own home. I’m quite surprised by how just a few pillows here has really given the living room quite a lift atm. Having fun!

These are my favourites. Miniature satin pillow christmas ornaments, but i wish they were made out of chocolate! *yum* They’re far too tiny for a good pillow fight though! *lol*

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Lots of hardcore pattern engineering of late with my first formalwear piece. It’s been quite an adventure to generate a piece/pattern that tapers closely to all the curves. Ergonomics to the max - i love designing for comfort of the human body.

This endeavour is primarily for the sake of artistic expression alone. My end-goal is to make people scream (like a girl) when they see it. I have a knack for doing this to people with my work ever since i was a child, so that’s the goal. To make people scream as soon as they see it, and then when they read my reason for making this garment is to make people scream - the desired effect is that this it’s going to make them laugh - because they just screamed a lot, so therefore - the garment has done it’s job well.

For now - i have to continue tweaking the first fabric mock-up a little bit more and will be heading out to purchase the fabric on Monday. I’m very determined to make a strong impact and look forward to scouting the ideal place for a bit of photography up in the mountains somewhere.

Enough talk-it! Must continue to walk-it!

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QOA ~ Rebirth

I’m reconnecting. It’s feeling good.

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