aka R’acquel

My life eventually took up ladies kickboxing one day. Then i took it up again later with Holly Fernerly (Aussie female fighter, 3x world champion during the time that i knew her). I miss those classes so much now, my body is craving it a lot as i continue with my ritual walking for exercise.

Shortly after that period of taking up kickboxing, my brother gave me the movie known as “Beautiful Boxer”. The timing was incredibly ironic.

I had always wanted to take up martial arts - but something remarkable occured when i took up kickboxing - my heart fell in love with the “BOXING” side. Empowering to be in a room with other women so much stronger than me. Empowering to see women’s bodies in all shorts of shapes and sizes which sit outside of barbie-girl supermodel too. Big women, tall women, women with large frames - but OH MY, how powerful and STRONG.

Empowering - to enter into a sport where “SIZE” COUNTS! The bigger you are, the more advantageous it is towards you winning a fight. For once - size, being born a “big woman” - is something rather incredible and highly advantageous to own, something that could be envied in a sport like this.

I was paired with a large Samoan woman once. I have always admired the Samoan female figure. She was much taller than me, much wider than me - but also a “newbie”. An unfair pairing and oh my, i sure felt the power in her blows. All i had on my side was that i had more speed compared to my sparring partner. What a marvelous experience to be able to appreciate other women’s bodies like this. I find strength like that incredibly attractive in a woman.

I was also aware that these “ladies only” classes had a female energy i’ve been very familiar with as well. Of “lesbian” flair, but not necessarily “lesbian”. The spirit of these women reflected a lot of my lesbian friends. I preferred the company of strong, “tough” women who do not live in barbie-world.

When my brother gave me the “Beautiful Boxer” film to watch, the manner in which is acted like a “mirror” to my life was deeply moving.

My struggle and fight with gender-identity on the inside, this hatred and discomfort being born in the body of a “woman” has been so much like how Nong Toom yearned to leap out and completely embrace who s/he wanted to “be”, completely embracing the feminine but needing to fully embrace the masculine before s/he could get “there”.

To see him embrace what my heart has experienced so much pain over. When i see men tapping into the feminine within like that, it gives me more courage to accept the female body i was born with. I won’t be able to embrace my female side of a character like Toom that i “own”, untill i can own same calibre of strength that resides within the masculine that he attained in his/her life. For him/her to excel in a sport like kickboxing, the heart and pride of this nation - oh my,

“What a MAN!”

What a man to be able to deliver blows like that. It’s when i see him smile in the film, feel his insides shine like sunlight as he performs a graceful feminine ritual of “putting powder on his face” in the boxing ring. I don’t know how to describe it - but that’s precisely what i need to do with my own life. I need to embrace both.

I have always had strong resonance with gay, cross-dressing and transgender brothers. When i see men proud to embrace that feminine quality within, it helps me embrace the female within.

On further reflection recently, i have come to the realisation that if i can openly embrace the masculine within myself - this could very well have a similar effect on other men.

What strikes me at the moment, is the incident over the “Lip Balm” That Froliksome Kid went through. Easy for me to say,

“There is no shame in men needing to use lip balm to protect chapped/dry/cracking lips!”

I was aware that for me to say this, could not remove the shame and embarassment he must own unless he can remove the shame & embarassment that lives within himself first. The most i could do is “validate” - send “it’s perfectly OK, this does not make you any lesser-of-a-young-man” energy towards him.

I reflected on the masculine-within myself, the one which generates “shame” to me on a similar level to lip balm.

When That Froliksome Kid writes:

“It’s bad enough that I have dry lips and have to rely on using a lip balm.”

My equivalent would be:

“It’s bad enough that i have a ‘moustache’(as a WOMAN) and have to rely on using a razor on some occasions, because waxing will cause inflamation and place me at risk of developing in-grown hairs.”

I almost have as many chest-hairs on my husband - he’s got 6 hairs and i’ve got 3! He’s also a “blonde” - so his “body-fluff” is less obvious compared to me!

Shame for being “hairy”. With white/olive skin, it makes that “moustache” and other body-hairs a lot more noticeable with dark-brown hair!

I can see Princess Fiona in Shrek 2 - standing beside her husband in the bathroom and “shaving” her face. I like how that scene makes me laugh and embrace the “female ogre” within me (hey, perhaps even a Norwegien Troll!). What else can i say - my husband and i have enjoyed such moments like Shrek & “Princess” Fiona together as a couple where we have shared the same razor blade. As a couple, our relationship is very much like these two comedic ogres. We can share a bath together and find great amusement from making bubbles with our farts.

I don’t use women’s razors to shave anymore. I use men’s razors - because they are up to the task, they’re blades have always been supremely superior in comparison. Every time i used a woman’s razor - it failed to deliver every single time. That’s why i quit using them. They SUCKED and let me down so much that i QUIT for life.

As for my “moustache” - it’s not as bad as Frieda Kahlo and i don’t have a “monobrow”, but my body has been hairy enough to own “shame” due to the pathetic cultural standards which value “hairlessness”. My brother has endured the same kind of pain, antagonism for being so “hairy”.

The situation paints a different kind of picture when my brother revisited Thailand a few years ago. A large population of “hairless men” looking for the next latest potions and lotions to make themselves MORE hairy, like - to actually grow a beard of some kind - because hairyness was deemed so “masculine” and “man-ly”!

Yesterday, my mind had entertained the scenario of another man who’s hairy like my brother, being antagonised by a manly-man who is hairless. I found myself standing up to defend the hairy man.

“Don’t worry Michael, i think Mark is just jealous or intimidated by you because i’ve probably got more chest-hairs than he does.”

Like, a woman with more chest hairs than a man - and i can say that with personal strength now as surely - a woman with a fair amount of body hair must be the “high-testosterone” sort who would be quite a challenge to beat in competition.

I can take better acceptance of how my body-hair is these days. If it grows so long, strong and fast “downstairs” - the same is happening “upstairs” on the top of my head. Long, strong, thick hair that can withstand lots of punishment and still look healthy. Long hair that can take 3-4 years to grow uber-long, when it can take up to 10 years for other women to achieve length like that. I’m glad that i’ve finally been able to find my peace with it how my hairy-ness induced so much “shame” for being hairy - like a man.

The next time i get a derogatory comment from a man about my “moustache” - it’s just not going to wash. I can now laugh and smile,

“What?! Feeling intimidated or jealous that i could possibly have more chest-hairs than you?!” - with confidence, as having 3 chest-hairs hardly makes me look any less-attractive to my husband!

With that, i feel grateful and lucky that my husband likes me as I am, hairy or baldy - it doesn’t matter, he finds me attractive regardless and i’ve got to admit - that has been rather instrumental in my journey towards healing & self-acceptance.

When i think about it further - the people whom have attempted to bring me down for “owning” a moustache - i’m now beginning to wonder if my presence made them feel uncomfortable and scared. Perhaps men saw a woman who owned so many male-like interests as they did, found it refreshing or surprising/unusual that a woman could have similar interests. If they found that made me come across as attractive to them, i can now see how it could have the capacity to make them nervous. If men could find a woman like me attractive, aren’t they inadvertently also admiring “male” qualities? I can see potential there for paranoia - paranoia that admiring male-qualities like that could make them perceived as a potential closet-gay? Scared that they will get heckled for admiring “male-quality” because a woman has just made that look attractive? Maybe this just got them nervous, so perhaps this is why they felt the need to “knock” me down.

“I’m feeling scared about the maleness within you because i also find that how-you-are(as a person) is also attractive, so this is why i need to send energy at you which makes you feel bad about owning this maleness inside the body of a woman, because i need to see you find shame and see you disown that masculinity which you own in order to make me feel more comfortable with myself.”

If i were to be categorised on a “lesbian” schema - i would fall right in between “lipstick” & “butch”. If i were more “butch” - i get the feeling that i no man would ever try to bring me down with a moustache like that but i clearly own a degree of “lipstick”ism, don’t wax or shave that much, but sometimes i feel like it. Don’t enjoy wearing makeup that much at all, but sometimes - i feel like it.

This post is again in the stasis where my thoughts have not found good consluion, but i’m okay with that because i can always follow things up another time.

What i can say for now - is if anyone has ever felt “different” or “not like anyone else” - especially when it’s regarding that inner-conflict experienced with gender-identity - I highly recommend that you source “Beautiful Boxer” and watch it. The story it conveys was incredibly powerful for me, and i hope the sensations of peace, healing and inspiration that i experienced with my own gender-identity when watching this film has a similar positive & inspiring effect on others.

In the meanwhile, enjoying the WO-MAN that i’m becoming as a FE-MALE.