Femininity -isms
I’m being attacked by several trails of thought.
1. I have gotten myself into trouble for failing to sleep. I did take my medication at a very low dose, but it clealry wasn’t enough to knock me down.
2. I relate a lot more closely towards women who wear a hijab and like to be private & conservative compared to women who live in sexy-girl “flashy” world, but i belong to neither worlds and live in the middle of both called “somewhere else that is almost never portrayed in mainstream media”.
2. I feel neither 100% Turkish or 100% Aussie even though i was born in OZ. Struggle with my cultural identity - i don’t have one. I don’t feel like i “belong” to either at all, more like rejected by both! It’s like a mix of both but it’s neither of both at the same time. My concept of “cultural” identity lives along the realms of people who have:
a) a sense of humour
b) can tolerate or enjoy the smell of their own farts, perhaps rate them on the basis of smell and volume, either way - a fart is likely to make them laugh out loud, even moreso if someone blows a truly stinky one that would require you to evacuate the building
c) people who are good with cooking, use raw ingredients and not the processed stuff, have a real knack to the “art of hosting”
d) people with a noticeable sense of international diplomacy, those who get pleasure from learning/understanding the customs of other cultures
This is the best i can come up with in terms of how i tend to identify on a cultural level. When people ask me where my name comes from, it’s incredibly awkward to announce it’s Turkish, because people naturally start to categorise me in terms of their experiences with Turkish people & culture. I guess the same may occur with my annoucement of being Australian born & bread, who knows how many may associate that with something like Crocodile Dundee and other “outback” references that are iconically Aussie. I personally really enjoy “Americans”, my experiences of Americana - that i’ve always been in love with that country and have always wished that i had grown up over there, equally aware that those who identify with being American will face some kind of negative regard as well. Either way, i guess this is still my own journey no different to others as they come to terms with learning more about who they are with the passage of time. I’m just aware that my life doesn’t have a specific cultural connection via country so it keeps me in an in-between kind of state.
3. I experience the same with my gender identity, don’t feel i belong to either “male” or “female”. I have qualities that make me very feminine in some ways, but also own many other qualities that would be deemed as masculine (or non-feminine) Kind of feel at most peace by kind of regarding myself as a kind of androgenous thing that lives in the middle of both worlds called “somewhere else which is never protrayed in mainstreem media, or any attempts to present a strong ass kicking chick will not be coming paired with breasts in a humble “B CUP” size for quite some time) Oh - maybe Sigourney Weaver in Alien (especially when she’s a mother and says “GET AWAY FROM HER YOU BITCH” and starts shooting with a BFG) could possibly pass for something which is close to me. *lol*
4. I need to formally process the story of my pregnancy and chilbirth experience that was complicated with Multiple Sclerosis. I endured monumentally bad treatment from some of the doctors at the hospitals. I hold a lot of unprocessed anger. While i have found a great deal of closure over the years on the event, a part of my heart is still stuck on a particular doctor who was truly one hell of an asshole. My usual method is to channel such things through humour, to mock and take the piss out of it, to find a way of laughing out loud. I performed a stand up comedy routine in an attempt to process the event, and it was fantastic. It just feels like i need to take the piss out of this one particular doctor, or i really need to find a way to say,
“HEY - the hospital service at KGV & RPAH emergency ward was a festering pool of shit so bad that you can smell the degree of entropy and rott the minute you walk into the joint”…
….anyways, surely i will find a way to process such things with a greater level of grace and eloquence. For the meanwhile, it really feels like i need to “stick it” to these people, make them accountable for the disgraceful mistakes and poor treatment. It’s the “nice and polite” people like me who refrain from causing a “racket” that are at the greatest risk in my opinion, because you won’t get the attention that you need unless you act like psychotic a lunatic.
Sorry…. a federal election is nearing and i think both the major parties have had their pros and cons. I can’t stand it when people engage in this stupid shitfights of,
PARTY A: “I have this idea, i think things could work well this way”
PARTY B: “NO! Your idea sucks, it’s wrong and bad and i’m just gonna say that it sucks and attack you for it because if i’m ever perceived to be agreeing with you on anything, this will make me be perceived as a looser”.
Ah yeah …. i guess i prefer the company of people who prefer to make the effort in working together to strategise on how things can be done better as a “team”. Well - i guess i achieve a lot doing things that way in my personal life anyway.
What else haven’t i covered yet?
Oh right, what does “femininity” actually mean? Right now, it feels like a judgement of socially perceived female attractiveness that can score you a boyfriend to plug up and fill an empty void in your life, which hardly places any emphasis on establishing, maintaining and commiting to a long-term relationship with someone else that is successful.
Today, i came to the realisation that a child was spawned out of my body. Like, geeze - only women can do that huh? How the hell can i not be female-enough? Hmm….
Oh right, another one.
5. I really loved kickboxing when i took it up a few years ago and i’m really really missing it alot right now.
captain lifecruiser said,
November 10, 2007 @ 5:04 am
I’m having very much the same thoughts as you here. And I just have to mention that we haven’t slept this past night, only a couple of hours in the day. We’re totally hopeless, struggling to turn back to “normal routines” but it isn’t easy when the body is telling something else…
I’m half man I think, not girly enough and I don’t see why I should be it either. OK., still feminine but not overdoing it. I’ve always enjoyed more to work with men. More my style of dealing with things.
Well, I don’t like the word feminism since it has been too abused during the years. Why do we still have to categorize us like that? Why not simply call us all HUMANS and act after that. It’s funny how everybody always talk about teamwork everywhere nowadays and what do we got? *giggles*
And we both know already how much I appreciate learning about other cultures and farts….. *giggles*
And then I completely stop laughing, because the bad hospital issue is just BOILING around here. We have soooo much bad experiences from the health care now in Sweden, it has gone real bad and especially comparing to earlier. Sure, we do have a lot of very skilled doctors in some of the hospitals, but it seems never to be them we meet when getting ill!
My best friend Miss Ass. Lifecruiser is an excellent example of that, going in and out in hospital for 1,5 year because they never wanna do a proper check up what’s wrong, they just kicked her out every time. Now she is at another hospital in another city, with an university medical school and boy what a difference! They might actually be on the track with the problems! Totally different attitude! Interested, listening, doing all tests they can, follow up, have humor and compassion. Sounds almost unbelievable after all bad we both have experienced!
Come on over and taste the Dom and all the party food
TorAa said,
November 11, 2007 @ 11:48 pm
Hi, this is rather much of thoughts concentrated in one post.
I’m agree with Mrs Lifecruiser, feminisme and “typical” man —–, let’s talk about humanisme.
I’m also sceptical to the importance to find ones “cultural identety”. Which makes us different, segregate us, put us in “ghettos” or human silos - and from cultural identities grows proud and hate and wars.
PS. I did visit this place yesterday: http://www.holocaustmmb.org/ I will post from the visit when back home in Norway
R’acquel: Humanisme sounds a lot more like my kind of coffee. What i do know that has helped me is to meet other women whom are very similar to me. There is a sense of normalisation, an ability to appreciate and accept being born female a lot more when my life has other female role models that i greatly respect, admire and more importantly, relate to. Not all women need to hide their grey hair, wear make-up, long nails, high heels and whatever else gets embodied within the archetypal standards of femininity that are prominently projected as norms through mainstream pop-culture. The “reality” which presents itself in my local community, clearly paints another kind of picture. I am hardly surrounded by supermodels but very ordinary looking men and women from all walks of life. On the otherhand, i can not disregard how powerful media has been in the shaping of my identity as a woman. I’m sure this would have been very different it my life had access to a real-life “women’s network” to talk about “secret women’s business”, a space to talk to other adult women for advice in departments where i could not do this with my own mother. All i had on hand was the advice columns in magazines. This is not too different to parenting advice columns appearing in a paperback, written by a single isolated doctor who’s clearly not going to be an expert who can address “absolutely everything”. My life needing to use media so much as a “resource” in the realm of female knowledge/issues/advice - has hardly been healthy. My life really needed to get that from other real, adult women i could talk to, but i had none.
Your skepticism towards the the strong drive to find one’s cultural identity does fascinate me, it also brings me some relief - as if there is space for me to find peace with this because there is an element of positive outcome by viewing it this way. I know that my father’s reasons for shunning religion and Turkish customs, to have his children grow up as “Australians” were on similar grounds to what you have expressed. I know this is what shaped me to be the way i am, “unclosed”, somewhat “open” to difference, encouraged to develop “tolerance” and acceptance, to learn from others. I can completely understand the aspect where the experience of unity amongst a grouping of people can generate an “inside/outside” dichotomy, one which can lead towards forms of segregation. While i know some manifestations of seperatism(sp?) can be negative, i have also seen positives outcomes as well.
Newtown Mums is a space for mothers to talk but over the years, it has grown to become a space that is not designed as a vehicle of support for “just any mother”. We are on the verge of enlisting a “must be able to stomach farting and toilet humour policy” into the “constitution”. Clearly - not every mother in this world is going to respond favourably to such a thing, but we know that other mums who would find such a thing to be really funny - they’re the sorts of women we’re keen to get to know better and form friendships with. Strange, but true - NMers are women who desperately need the company of other women who can laugh about farts. Mothers whom are fart lovers, want a space to enjoy their farts without facing antagonism. We want the freedom to fart, with pride. We can respect other people’s right to not fart, or not enjoy farting, so this is why we have to raise a flag which says,
“If you want to join this group, you need to realise that the other women in this group love farting a lot, so if you have a problem with that - it’s probably good idea to find another space that can make you feel more comfortable, coz we desperately need the space to celebrate our farts, with laughter and without shame. Thank you and we hope you have a nice day finding connection with others out there in another place if you have a very strong view which stands against finding humour and laughter through something like a fart.”
Men are not overtly excluded in the lives of the members on NM, but obviously - this service isn’t open to “male” membership. It’s not that we’re being exclusive of men, it’s just that this has become a space for women to get on with their secret women’s business. I am equally aware that men or women whom are not mothers that enjoy farting like this, would probably be interested in seeing what a world community of fart-lovers “united” would be like too. Sometimes, it’s necessary to draw boundaries even if you personally have a value system that inherrently tries to accept “everything” from all sorts of angles.
I have faced,
“You are not Turkish. You are not Aussie.”
Elements of both cultures that i have never enjoyed because i’ve experienced degrees of non-acceptance, put-down or invalidation of self. If i am neither, than where am I? Perhaps it doesn’t matter so much. Essentially, i end up gravitating and find connection & greater understanding of personal identity with people on other levels. I guess i don’t mind that, enjoy it. With age, more life experience - comes more confidence and knowledge with self. I find my greatest peace with funny people who have a sense of playfulness, just like the way you drew the picture of a sun
Those who enjoy laughing, maybe a splash of dom even though i’d personally prefer a balloon glass of outrageously expensive cognac 
I do undertand i’m not alone in this phenomena of internal drive within that behaves like a calling that desires to connect with my roots and ancestry. An experience clearly affected by growing up as an isolated family unit. I think it would have made a big difference to have had access to extended family like aunts, cousins, grandparents etc whilst growing up.
Looking forward to following things up
In the meanwhile, enjoying that warm sensation of belonging and communal joy for being a woman who is proud to fart and has been known to enjoy the smell of her own farts on the odd occasion, together with other people from around the world.
TorAa, i have faced my own equivalent of holocaust. Not as horrendous as the Jews being persecuted but i faced a dictatorship that had the power to strip down what i had rightfully earnt through a democratic election process. Believe me - the experience truly shattered me. It broke my heart, my world fell appart. With time, i’ve had the unique opportunity to understand why some communities must stand strong when it comes to protecting their own “ethos”.
Look forward to exploring it further, but as you said - clearly so many thoughts collecting in a single post so I will be undergoing the process of breaking them up. In the meanwhile, really enjoying the music on that website you forwarded. I’m experiencing a lot of “rest” - a moment to grieve and find closure.
that frolicsome kid said,
November 12, 2007 @ 2:11 pm
Wow! This is a really interesting post. I didn’t know you are Turkish as well. Wow, that’s really cool.
Anyway, I think I probably will trackback this blog entry this weekend or something. 
R’acquel: Take your time and remember to manage it well! I’m obviously procrastinating like something chronic at the moment! *laughs* *grins* *hugz*
that frolicsome kid said,
November 12, 2007 @ 2:15 pm
Oh by the way, it’s a hijab, not a hajib (I wiki’d it up and it means something else).
R’acquel: Oh, thank you thank you thank you. Yes. It has been corrected. My apologies! Phew!
aka R’acquel » Living Dead Girl ~ Rob Zombie said,
November 13, 2007 @ 8:08 am
[…] was reflecting on how my Femininity-isms post was written during a very agitated state of mind. Events have occured in my life where i have […]